Guest post from Abby

This is a guest post from Abby Bennett, who, gathering from her email address, is involved in those cool new shade shirts that are a must have for every Mormon woman. Am I right, Abby? Anyway, happy reading! This one is to cheer the down hearted Wiz. I am a regular mom. I have 2 girls, 3 and 18 months, and a boy, who I have most of his life, but give back to his real family after 6pm. I am also one of those tragic souls who was thwarted by nature from getting the families "skinny" genes. Therefore I am an exerciser. Now, I am not obsessed with regaining my high school pant size, but just maintaining cheek bones and a single chin. That said, I am also one who is plagued by exercise induced knee pain. After trying all the recommended ways to restore my limb to health I broke down and had knee surgery. Nothing serious, just clean up a little here, scrape a little there sort of thing. Everything went fine,( although I did feel very vulnerable in that little gown they make you wear. If they are operating on my knee, why am I as naked as Eve in the garden??? ). So home I went with a pair of crutches and the instructions to remove the bandage in three days. Three days pass slowly with 3 kids and a crutch laden mother, but we made it to the day of the wound unveiling. It was Saturday morning, and loaded up on prescription meds I was feeling fine. I crutched my way to the bathroom to, you know, go to the bathroom and my littlest girl followed me. ( I'm sure I am not alone in never being alone in the bathroom.) While I was sitting there I decided to take a peek at my knee under all that gauze and tape. It was really an opportune time. I was there and my knee wasn't hidden by knee length under clothes or pants. Perfect. So I unwound the bandage and took a quick look. Now I am not someone that has a problem with wounds. I grew up cattle ranching, and working for a Veterinarian, so I have seen my share of blood and guts, but for some reason the fact that it was my blood and my guts was a little disturbing. I suddenly felt faint. So I did what ever one knows to do when you feel faint. I put my head between my knees, and... I fainted. Next thing I remember, my husband is standing over me saying"WHAT are you DOING??!!" At the time I didn't know what I was doing. I found myself lying awkwardly on the floor. My head was crammed into the corner where the tub, wall ,and tile meet. My knee hurt, my head hurt, and yes; in the words of my three year old, my bum was naked. Oh the Humanity!!! Apparently I had been lying there for awhile. My DH thought that the baby had dropped something. ( Yeah, a 150 lb. Momma) So, after hearing nothing from me he sauntered down the hall to take a look. And there I was in all my glory. My exposed nether region facing the door. There is something that binds you closely to someone when the pull up your under ware as you lie on the floor in a heap. I have a greater love for my husband because of that not so simple act of charity. And the fact that he refrained from laughing until after he helped me to bed. I hope you all can have a good chuckle after reading this, and know that before you peek at a mortal wound, put a pillow on the floor just in case.


Blogger Kage said...

I tell my husband that we can never get divorced because he has seen and heard too much. I peed, pooped and puked (about 8 times) while delivering our baby naturally(who's idea was that?) and made sounds that I will never be able to replicate unless I decide to give birth like that again. Poor man. And he never laughed...

1/08/2006 05:02:00 PM  
Blogger annegb said...

My stomach hurts, I can so picture that. My husband hasn't seen that part of my body since 1986. Oh, I am so going to repeat that story to everyone I know.

All these guest posts are fun, aren't they? I mean, even if Wiz had to break her wrist :).

Kage, I made the most ungodly sounds when I had Princess Buttgold. My husband mentions it occasionally and I keep hoping it didn't sound to him like it did to me. Why couldn't I be a pretty screamer?

I just feel so sorry for you thinking about it as I am laughing my head off. "And he never laughed..." oh that made me laugh again. How does he feel about natural childbirth now? Hell, would you laugh if you were being puked, peed and pooped on? He's probably considering a vasectomy.

Sarah asked me the other day if you pooped when you had your baby. I, with a totally straight face, said, "no, I'm pretty sure you don't. Not that I've ever heard, anyway." I just thought it was better for her not to know.

Although I tell her all the time, "get the epidural." If they ever ask you what advice you would give, I always say, "get the epidural."

Whether it's in Sunday School, anywhere, if the first part of the question is, "what advice you give....." I always say, "get the epidural." That's how important I feel my message is.

Thanks for that.

1/08/2006 08:03:00 PM  
Blogger Kage said...

Oh...I almost forgot...while I was puking (I closed my eyes b/c you know when you see puke, you puke more)...I remember him saying: "There go the green beans" See, I had had a full 3-side item meal from Boston Market when I was around 7/8 cms (of course not knowing this)...thinking I was in it for the long haul (like baby #1) and oh was I SO wrong....1 hour later...out came the greenbeans and the baby.

1/08/2006 09:35:00 PM  
Blogger marian said...

I'm laughing so dang hard, between Abby on the floor showing off her nether-regions and Kage spewing green beans all over her beloved. Oh my oh my oh my.

1/08/2006 10:25:00 PM  
Blogger moddy said...

OH MY HECK!! I haven't laughed that hard in a couple of weeks. Thank you so much for sharing! I know the feeling of never being left alone to pee in peace, my daughter thinks that it's sit and share time when mommy has to go.

As for hubby seeing parts of you in not the most glorified manner, while I was in labor with my daughter our midwife asked hubby if he wanted to help deliver her, and he said yes, and for some reason neither thought to ask me if I had a problem with it. Anyway I mainly remember looking up and seeing my husband stare in what had to be a cross between horror and fascnitation as I pushed out our daughter, I looked at him and asked if he was enjoying the view. He never asnwered, but I don't think he'll volunteer to help deliver again.

1/08/2006 11:59:00 PM  
Blogger Mrs. M said...

That was great. Thank you, everyone, for extending my life through laughter!

1/09/2006 12:44:00 AM  
Blogger annegb said...

There goes the green beans. Oh, my. I'm still laughing this morning. I may have to share this with Sarah.

1/09/2006 08:57:00 AM  
Blogger HLH said...

ha ha ha...My 3 yr old is trying to talk to me about candles and I am snickering at your post! Very Very Funny! Thanks for sharing- I needed a laugh to start my day!

1/09/2006 10:20:00 AM  
Blogger Abby said...

What it the point of keeping horrible personal things to yourself.? It is much better if people you have never seen can laugh with you/at you.

Kage, Yes I sell Shade Clothing. Just a little heads up, starting this month they have maternity shirts. YEAH!

1/09/2006 02:42:00 PM  
Blogger Heather O. said...

Abby, I'm so glad that you are the one who sells the shades! My sisters all have one, and I have been dying to get one. Thought I was going to get one from Christmas, but no go. I'll wait until the credit cards cool down, and then I am TOTALLY going to get one. You go, girl!

And what a great post, by the way. The Wiz and I both laughed out loud when we read it. Thanks!

1/09/2006 06:36:00 PM  
Blogger Tandy said...

Oh I haven't laughed that hard in a while. Thanks for sharing. I have fainted many times after surgery...I've always blamed it on the pain pills. Hope you're on the mend!

1/10/2006 07:12:00 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

My sisters told me about your blog and I thought I would have a quick look and I have not stopped laughing. I thought I might comment instead of being a lurker. Birth and other personal bodily functions seem to always be funny and scarry at the same time. Thanks for my medicinal laugh for the day!

1/12/2006 10:32:00 PM  

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