Just some little life lessons

It's been an eventful week. Ok, it's only Tuesday, but still, I'd like to share with all of you, dear readers, what I have learned this week. ON FOOD, ESPECIALLY GINGERBREAD Little boys like building gingerbread houses. It takes about a day and a half for them to build one from scratch. Little dogs like to eat gingerbread houses. It takes about 10 minutes for them to eat one built from scratch. Little dogs can vomit a shockingly enourmous amount of gingerbread tainted puke. Only the best of men, and I mean the VERY best of men, will clean up canine emesis while their wives huddle under the covers, shaking at the vision of the vomit encursted horror that resembles their (yes, carpeted!) upstairs hallway. Lesson to be learned: How much does it cost to rent a carpet cleaner? ON HYGIENE When applied by a 3 year old, the contents of a caramel apple dipper sauce packet from McDonald's can make a little dog's back very, very sticky. A wet scrub brush with shampoo on it will not clean off the contents of a caramel apple dipper sauce packet from McDonald's from a little dog's back. Our bathtub can fit 1 naked 3 year old, one panicked dog, and a fully dressed but very wet mother. Panicked dogs like to try to escape. They also pant a lot. Lesson to be learned: How does one clean wet dog hair off of the wall? MORE ON HYGIENE, THIS TIME TOWARDS THE NETHER REGION Little boys think walking around with poopy bits of toilet paper trailing from their still poopy bums is very, very funny. Little dogs like to eat poopy toilet paper, and lick poopy 3 year old bums. Little boys also think this is very, very, funny. It is very hard to crate a dog when he is trying to go after a poopy piece of toilet paper while the 3 year old, laughing like a maniac, is shaking his naked poopy bum in the dog's face. Little dogs will search the bathroom for poopy toilet paper after you let them out of their crates, and, finding none, will settle for eating the gingerbread vomit encrusted paper towels he finds in the kitchen trash can. Lesson to be learned: What is the best method for bribing DH to come home early to help clean up 3 year old poop after he spent the morning cleaning up dog vomit? ON ANIMALS IN GENERAL Snakes make very good pets.


Blogger ubercyl said...

Extremely funny post today. Once had a male sitter with our 5yo son waiting for his wife to get off of work and tag team with him the rest of the night. Son chooses to have a difficult bowel movement, complete with trailing tp from the poopy crack. To his credit, male sitter finds this absolutely hilarious. His wife is now pg with their first and he'll need all the humor he can muster.

12/13/2005 04:57:00 PM  
Blogger Tracy M said...

Im laughing so hard I can't see through the tears~!

12/13/2005 06:12:00 PM  
Blogger Julie M. Smith said...

Actual true story:

When we had finally lived in one place long enough to need to clean the carpets, I debated whether to hire a service, rent a machine, or buy a machine. In the midst of my agonizing, my good friend paid good money to have her carpets professionally cleaned. The next day, her 5yo stood at the top of the staircase, said, "Mommy, I don't feel too good" and, well, you can guess the rest.

And that, dear children, is how we came to own a carpet shampoor.

12/13/2005 07:30:00 PM  
Anonymous Sue said...

Oh, ugh. This is why we do not have a dog. I'm laughing, and fighting the urge to puke at the same time.

12/13/2005 10:16:00 PM  
Blogger White Man Retarded said...

When my 8 year old (Jacob) was 2, my wife had to work. So, I decided to do a daddy's night out with the kids. I took them to CiCi's Pizza (has to be an LDS business). Jacob was a little under the weather, but that didn't stop us from going. About halfway through the meal, Jacob informed me he had to go to the bathroom; I deduced that he had to do #1, so I'm holding him against the stall for him to pee (I'm toilet-training him at this time). His shorts and undies were at his ankles. So, he's urinating and all of a sudden I felt and heard a warm squishy wet PLOP on my foot (I was wearing sandals). I looked down and BLAM it was covered in semi-soft-serve sticky diarrhea. IN A RESTAURANT! But, still, I wouldn't trade that for your fecal-fascinated dog...

12/13/2005 11:28:00 PM  
Blogger fMhLisa said...

Oh Heather . . .

Oh Heather.
Oh Heather.

You do know this is my very favorite kind of post.

But I won't wish for more of them from you. I love you too much.

You'll have them anyway.

12/14/2005 02:17:00 AM  
Blogger TftCarrie said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12/14/2005 08:46:00 AM  
Blogger TftCarrie said...

When my dog throws up (a couple weeks ago it was a tray of fried plantains) I just wait a bit until she eats it back up again. I know it's disgusting, but then I just have to spot clean instead of having to actullay come into contact with dog throwup--which to me is more disgusting.

Having a dog that eats up anything is great most of the time (although mine has never eaten toddler poop). My girlfriends have been complaining lately about the mess the kids make when they eat. I really don't have that problem because the dog cleans it up immediately! I will admit my dog crossed the "gross-out" line last week when I found her licking up a huge spit-up splatter in the kitchen that somehow I totally missed.

12/14/2005 08:50:00 AM  
Blogger Lisa M. said...

I agree with FMHLisa.

Oh Heather.


12/14/2005 09:49:00 AM  
Blogger Karen said...

kid(s) + dog(s)=gross stuff.

Actually, they can both be gross on their own also.

12/14/2005 11:18:00 AM  
Blogger The Wiz said...

OK, only read this comment if you don't get grossed out easily.

This just reminds me of the time I went to get my toddler out of his crib and he had taken his diaper off, and was throwing poop on the floor. My dog happened to follow me in, and quick as a wink, she just gobbled up the poop like it was a Milk Bone or something. I had to leave the room, I was gagging so hard.

Mostly the kids and dogs aren't gross, and I agree with Carrie that it makes the high chair throwing food stage easier, because the dog just camps out by the high chair and cleans up for you.

louis - that is the grossest story I have ever heard. You win.

12/14/2005 11:57:00 AM  
Blogger Heather O. said...

I agree with the Whiz. Louis wins.

12/14/2005 12:05:00 PM  
Anonymous The Narrator said...

With 5 kids (4 boys) and one very large and slobbery dog, I've had far too many of these experiences.

Last month my 5 & 6 year olds were in the tub with the 14month old baby. Suddenly a huge ruckus sounded as the little guy pooped in the tub. So ihad to drain the tub, and then hose off everyone with the shower, THEN go an clean the tub.

12/14/2005 12:53:00 PM  
Blogger Mo Mommy said...

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little
That being said... Bwahahahaha!!!

12/14/2005 02:20:00 PM  
Blogger ShelahBooksIt said...

oh my gosh. I am laughing so hard I think I just woke up our baby.

12/14/2005 03:25:00 PM  
Blogger Jamie J said...

That was so funny!! I'm so sorry you had to go through that! I can't stop laughing though!

12/14/2005 03:31:00 PM  
Anonymous heather h said...

Oh you had a fun day! That is too rich, I sure hope you added that to your son's baby book or memory book or something!

I'm glad you see the humor in it, although at the time I am sure you were ready to sell all of them to the gypsy's!

12/14/2005 05:03:00 PM  
Blogger lydee said...

Histerical! I don't usually laugh out loud when no one is around, but I am now. Great blog!

12/14/2005 07:13:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We've got a few of these.

First, there was the time that 1-year-old Kace decided to check out 3-year-old Sullivan's potty. We hear a little voice from the bathroom, "don't drink from the potty, Kace. That's yucky water." Yep. He was drinking his brother's pee. Yech. We still cringe to remember that one.

And then there was the time that Kace decided he was a dog named Diggity. He was about 4 at the time. He insisted on walking on all fours, woofing, and being taken for walks. Okay, no big deal. And then, one morning, there is a suspicious looking lump of poop in the middle of the front sidewalk.

"Kace, was Diggity outside?"

"Yeah, Mom. Dogs poop outside!"

So yes, our little boy was pooping in the middle of the front sidewalk, with who knows how many neighbors watching.

Kaimi told him that dogs who poop on the front sidewalk get swatted on the nose with a newspaper, and Kace decided to reconsider his bathroom ettiquette in the canine life.


12/15/2005 01:05:00 AM  
Anonymous claire said...

Mardell, that is hilarious. I love the fact that you asked if Diggety did it.

Heather, the way you write makes your hilarious anecdotes even funnier. I'm so sleep deprived right now I almost typed "antidotes."

Our funny toddler story... my 2 year old had a facination for finding things to pee in OTHER than the toilet. One day she brought me a little china victorian-looking high heeled shoe thingy that belonged to her older sister, and proudly showed me the pee she'd deposited in it. We didn't tell her sister until she was old enough to appreciate it.

12/15/2005 02:03:00 PM  
Blogger Heather O. said...

Mardell, I'm still laughing about the poop on the sidewalk! What an imaginative kid!

Claire--I love that she peed in a shoe! Classic!

12/15/2005 02:58:00 PM  
Blogger Mardell said...

Yes I owned a dog for about 6 months named diggity. Him and Kace were seperate yet the same. It was a very interesting stage of Kace's life. He seriously loved to act like a dog.

12/15/2005 09:57:00 PM  
Blogger thekianafamily said...

That was the oddest thing I have ever read. I am with mo mommy when i say i think i just threw up in my mouth. But thank you for insight.

12/16/2005 12:45:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have 20 month old twin girls. You haven't truly lived until you have seen one of them delicately sampling the contents of the other one's diaper.

I could go on with a couple of stories but I think I am actually about to gross myself out so maybe not :)


12/16/2005 02:31:00 AM  
Blogger SKMJ Bodell said...

These stories are great! My two year old is potty training so I can really relate with some of these stories! One night our 2 year old was running around naked. She farted, laughed and then announced to me and my husband what she had just done. She then proceded to back out of the kitchen which has linolium and walked into the office which has carpet. I took one look at her and immediatley knew what she was about to do! It was too late though. She pooped! Great. I pass the baby off to my husband and start to take her into the bathroom. Well, our two dogs were in the house and one of them starts to lick up the first piece of poop, I turn in time to see this and start yelling at him. He backs off and I continue on my way to the bathroom. As I round the corner, the other trys to lick up the other piece. My husband see's him and starts yelling. The dogs both backed onto their bed until we could get the poop cleaned off our carpet and off our daughter. They were then kicked outside for the night! I do have to agree with those of you who commented on dogs being great vacuum's! Our dogs cannot wait until our daughter is done eating and I used to do in home daycare. One of the rules is that you may not use your vacuum during daycare hours. So, after breakfast, snack, lunch, and snack I ALWAYS let the dogs in. Sometimes I think that they do a better job cleaning anyways!! I hope this makes sense! It's late but I had to read these comments!

12/16/2005 02:37:00 AM  

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