Burnt Toast Martyr

If any of you are a member of FlyLady, then you got this testimonial. Normally I don't read the testimonials, but for some reason, I read this one. It's pretty powerful, so I'm posting it here. It is reprinted with permission by FlyLady.net, member (FlyBaby). I don't know who the woman is who wrote it, but I would like to thank her. She makes an excellent point about what we do for others but refuse to do for ourselves. Enjoy! Dear FlyLady, This goes right along with saving the best things for company and not using them for ourselves. As I read the testimonial from the lady whose mother passed on un-used wedding gifts, I started thinking about burnt toast. When I was growing up, my mom always insisted on eating the burned toast. It didn't matter how many pieces she fixed, she always had to have the worst ones (slightly burned, mangled, toasted heel when we were out of bread, etc). And not only did she insist on eating the burnt toast, she always did so with a self-satisfied smug look on her face... kind of a "look at me, I'm so saintly for martyring myself this way" look. She always said it was the mom's job and not to feel sorry for her. I was eating breakfast with my dad and DH the other week and we (my dad and I) were both remembering her burnt toast attitude and how it made us both feel. Let me tell you those were not the best memories of my mom for either of us. I ended up feeling guilty for not wanting to eat the burned toast (or sometimes envious... I wanted to be a saintly martyr too!) I'm proud to tell you Marla, in my house burned toast is FOR THE BIRDS. Literally! If I burn it, I crumble it and and put it on the back porch for the birds and make more toast. I love myself too much to eat that burnt toast, and I love my DH and two DS too much to pass on those confusing feelings or make them look at my martyr face in the morning. I shared my attitude with my Dad, and he said he was surprised that the birds would eat burnt toast and worried for a moment about if it there was a point beyond which toast should be fed to birds (charred?). We both ended up laughing at the idea that my dear mother would eat food that she probably wouldn't have considered good enough to feed to the wild birds in her yard. LOL! I started to wonder just how many other instances of "burnt toast" there were in my mothers life, much less my own. How many times do I give the best to my family and settle for far less for myself just because that's what my mom did? Ouch! In five minutes, I realized ** I take my children to the doctor when they are ill and keep their immunizations up to date. But I won't even take a day off when I am sick because my mom taught me that is what moms do... we don't have time to be sick. (don't even ask if I'm up to date on immunizations, I know I am not) ** I insist that my husband get his cholesterol checked twice a year and adjust our diet to help him keep healthy and off of cholesterol meds. But I won't do the same for me because that is what moms do... it would be selfish to focus on my own needs. ** I buy my husband his favorite pens to use for writing at the house. But I "make do" with whatever I find in the junk drawer because that is what moms do... we don't need anything special. ** I plan our menus to accommodate my DH's favorite foods and DS's picky toddler preferences. But I don't buy any of my healthy favorites because (say it with me) that is what moms do... we don't need special treats. ** I make sure DH and DS get to the barber regularly to make sure they look clean cut. But I go 6 months between haircuts for myself because... that is what moms do.... we can't be self centered and pamper ourselves. ** I buy my DH new athletic socks at his request. But I keep them for myself (even though they are too big) since they have fewer holes than the ones in my drawer because... that's is what moms do... Ouch. I never realized just how much mom was teaching me in the mornings as she scraped her burned toast. I think I love myself enough to quit doing that. I want my own children to learn a different lesson. I want my DS's to grow up and expect their wives to love themselves... because THAT is what moms should do! Copyright 2006 FlyLady and Company, Inc. All Rights Reserved, No reprint to other email lists or websites without FlyLady's permission. You have permission to forward to a friend. Check out our website: http://www.flylady.net/index.asp