The Pit of Despair

Westley: Where am I? Albino: [whispering harshly] THE PIT OF DESPAIR! DON'T EVEN THINK— [He coughs up a hairball and proceeds calmly.] Albino: Don't even think of trying to escape. If anybody can think of the rest of the quote, let me know. I seem to remember something about the walls being much too thick, and the monk and Humperdink having the only key. I could be wrong, though. But I make this reference because I have ESCAPED from the Pit of Despair, or at the very least survived, and I would like to share with you the harrowing journey. For harrowing it was indeed, and not for the faint of heart. I am referring, of course, to my house. Yes, I know, not many people refer to their place of residence as the Pit of Despair, but after getting this place ready to sell, it's the only name that fits. I even had to get moral support from The Wiz to talk me through it instead of running screaming into the night. Of course, eventually I would have had to face the Fire Swamp (a.k.a, The Playroom), so I resigned myself to my fate of battling through cleaning this place. And I'm going to share with you, dear readers, what I found along the way. Keep in mind I am not exaggerating. Oh, how I wish I were. I found, first of all, an old wedding card. Not so unusual, right? After all, people keep cards all the time. Cards are usually a lovely momento of a beautiful occasion, selected carefully and inscribed with some happy thought about marital bliss. This card was no different, except that it was inscribed "Dear Marcy and Jason...." Um, I don't know if y'all have picked up on this, but my name is Heather and my husband's name is Nate. You know what this means, don't you? It means that THIS CARD WAS GIVEN TO US BY MISTAKE AND I HAVE DRAGGED IT ACROSS THE COUNTRY FOR ALMOST 7 YEARS! We have moved 8 TIMES in our marriage, and apparantly, this card has come with us every time. What in the holy name of FlyLady is UP WITH THAT??!! I found 4 Hot Wheels cars under the bed, as well as 2 water bottles, a sippy cup, and about 50 pieces of legos. No, sadly, I'm not taking about Jacob's bed, I'm taking about MY bed. I guess when I was trying to figure out where all our legos went I didn't bother to look there. Oh, and the dust animals I found under there...well, let's just say the ROUS's have nothin' on them. (Ok, that was in fact an exagerration, but not by much. I wasn't actually physically attacked by any of the dust, although I was glad I found a small package of Kleenex under there, too. It definitely came in handy.) I have found seed packets that apparantly never made it into our garden last year. Hmm, those radishes might have been good. Do seeds ever go bad? I have found scraps of fabric from projects I completed years ago. Who am I kidding? Like I'm ever going to make scrunchies that match the table runner I made in my beginners sewing class 3 years ago, which, by the way, is so lopsided and ugly that I never use it anyway. As I went through my house, I continually asked myself this question: WHY AM I KEEPING ALL THIS CRAP? Anyway, I've escaped (pretty much. I really do have to tackle the playroom. I might have to call in professional reinforcements for the carpet down there, though. How can one kid make things so unbelievably gross? What do y'all do who have more than one kid? Use a shovel?). We are really almost there, ready to have complete strangers poke around our house and decided if they could stand to live here. Anybody want to buy a house? Oh, and Marcy and Jason, if you are reading, I, um, have a card for you from some friends of yours. Sorry it's a little late. FYI. For more information about what else you can find under the bed, Exponent II is discussing this very topic. No poaching, pure coincidence, I swear. I know, it's acutally a rather freaky coincidence that we are talking about the indifferentiated crap that fills our lives, but, there you go.


Blogger Gina said...

Sorting through all our stuff, and getting rid of a huge portion of it, last time we moved, was one of the most liberating things I've experienced. When we arrived at our new home we made a goal to leave a few years later with less stuff than we arrived with. We're not quite there, but not too far off. Streamlining is one of the few joys of moving. Enjoy the feeling!

4/03/2006 04:00:00 PM  
Blogger Tanya Spackman said...

The most awesomest movie!

Where am I?

The Pit of Despair.

Don't even think --
(A hack, sputter, cough - now his voice seems normal again)
-- don't even think about trying to escape. The chains are far too thick. And don't dream of being rescued either. The only way in is secret. And only the Prince, the Count, and I know how to get in and out.

Then I'm here till I die?


Till they kill you. Yeah.

4/03/2006 05:57:00 PM  
Blogger Jamie J said...

I love that movie! Glad things are looking up. "Have fun storming the castle!"

4/03/2006 10:40:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Interestingly, they are having a discussion about housecleaning over at Feminist Mormon Housewives, too. Weird. :)

4/04/2006 01:08:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

EEK!! It sounds as though spring fever and the cleaning bug have stricken the 'nacle. Quick everyone, run for your lives until you trip on your piles of stuff in the hallway! And cover your mouths when you cough, I hear this stuff is contagious!!

4/04/2006 02:59:00 AM  
Anonymous April said...

Boy do I know about this... I'm not moving but I did last August. And already i need to clean out my CRAP! and I think to myself... why in the name of a holy goat did I MOVE this stuff! I look at my unfinished basement that has quickly become a black hole and think... can't I just chuck the whole lot of it???? then I think... well, except of course my wedding dress, and the pictures, and maybe a few kid stuff I may need for the next kid.... and the list goes on and I get more and more afraid of going through all of it as I think of more things I need to keep. I think people just like to keep things be nature sometimes.... besides... why spend more by possibly needing something you threw away. Right? *sigh* still.... too much junk.

4/04/2006 05:23:00 PM  
Blogger Abby said...

By-monthly someone sneaks into my home and shaves their cat under my bed.

I find this to be very rude not to mention hairy.
I know this furry matter isn't from my home. I have no pets, only children, who at times smell like pets.

If you are the thoughtless person who is stashing your cat clippings under my bed, please stop immediately.

I have better things to do than vacuum under there.

4/04/2006 08:31:00 PM  

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