Time for a good poop story

It's been a while, and who doesn't like a good poop story? So last week I went with a friend and her three kids to the new Air and Space museuem, the one with the Enola Gay and the Space Shuttle. It was Space Day, so there were lots of cool things for the kids to do. Next to Superheros, space-ships are Jacob's favorite things, so he had a good time. Anyway, coming home, we got stuck in traffic, and my friend's husband got stuck in traffic, and my friend needed to be somewhere. She asked me, slightly desperately, if I would just stay with her kids at her house until her husband got home. Sure, of course. I mean, how hard can it be to watch a 3 year old, an 20 month old, and a 6 month old for about 20 minutes? Potty incident #1. While her mom was getting ready, I lost the 3 year old. I looked around the house, caling her name, then went outside. I found her, peeing in the front seat of the car. Luckily she had peed in a spot covered by a sweatshirt, so I just picked up the dripping sweatshirt, pulled off the child's wet clothes, and tossed them all in the laundry basket. Potty incident #2. The baby had not been fed the entire time we were at the museum, so then I started with that. Jacob started playing happily with the other 3 year old, and all was well. Then the one and a half year old took off her diaper, brought out a little potty into the living room, and started to go pee. All right, that's fine, at least she's on a potty. So, still holding the baby and it's bottle, I wrestle the child back into a diaper, and dump the pee out into the toilet. Potty incident #3. Meanwhile, I have lost total track of the 3 year old, and then I hear a plaintive cry, "Heather--Jacob's Mommy! I need you to wipe my bum!" The potty trained 3 year old had gone potty, and needed some help. Again, still holding the baby, because she is sucking on the bottle as if her life depended on it (which, I guess, in a very real way, it did) and was not about to give it up, I wiped the small child's bum. Potty incident #4. Thinking all was good, I settled back down with the baby and the bottle, but realized that in wiping the 3 year old's bum, I've lost track of the one a half year old. Then I hear a yell from the 3 year old, "My sister is pooping on the carpet!" Me:"She pooped on the carpet?" 3 year old: "Yes, but don't worry, I'll clean it up!" I decided that I needed to rapidly disengage the baby from her bottle and personally investigate. But in the time it took me to position the baby in such a way that she would not roll off, that little bugger of a 3 year old had moved with that incredible speed that only toddlers can acheive, retrieved something from the kitchen, and brought her sisters poop to me ON A SPOON! Me, holding the poop encrusted spoon, "Um, thanks. Is that all there is?" 3 year old: "I don't know. She pooped on this carpet", and she points to an ornate, elaborately designed oriental rug. The design is so elaborate, it's impossible to locate any suspicious looking brown spots. I'm literally on my hands and knees, trying to sniff out the offending poop, when the baby starts crying. Potty incident #5. I look over at the baby, and her little fists are waving and she's waggling her little bum, too. No way, I thought. Please, no way. I pick her up, manage a well positioned sniff, and my worst fears are confirmed. The baby has pooped too, a huge, stinky, blow out, the green, runny kind of poop that is particular to breast fed babies, the niagra falls kind that can not be contained by one puny diaper. I had been in this house for approximately 25 minutes. Seriously, how can three children make so much poop and pee IN 25 FREAKIN' MINUTES?! Thankfully, blessedly, the husband came home at that moment. I related the poop and pee sagas in one breath, said, "Oh-and-by-the-way-the-baby-is-poopy-too-here-she-is gotta-go-by," and Jacob and I high-tailed it out of that poopfest. Maybe I don't need any more kids after all. One potty trained little guy could be just right, thank you very much.


Blogger Jennifer said...


That's horrible adn hysterical in the same instant.

5/28/2005 12:21:00 PM  
Anonymous Susan M said...

Poop is easier when it's your own kids' poop, that's for sure.

5/28/2005 01:48:00 PM  
Anonymous wbpraw said...

I love poop stories, poop stories are the best!I hope your friend read that and went "Whew, got out of that one for once!" And I'm willing to bet that's not the first poop stain on that oriental rug, just a hunch.

5/28/2005 07:55:00 PM  
Anonymous JKS said...

That's hilarious. The ONLY good thing about a day like that is you get to trump everyone else's poop story.

5/28/2005 08:57:00 PM  
Blogger The Wiz said...

Anyone with 3 children that young and an oriental carpet in the same house deserves what they get.

5/30/2005 01:13:00 PM  
Blogger Allison said...

Ha! I'm still laughing. Poop always happens in groups -- for toddlers, it's the ultimate social activity. When I was nursery leader, I noticed this. And every time we'd have kids in diapers over, there'd be a poop chain reaction, with one child having a sympathy poop for the one getting her diaper changed.

I've burned more scented candles these last seven years . . .

5/30/2005 02:26:00 PM  
Blogger Kristine said...

Sooo funny, Heather! Time for a confession: how long after you left the house was it before you thought "this is going to make a great post!" ;)

We have three toilets in our house--one day about a month ago, I heard cries of "Mommy, can you wipe me?" virtually simultaneously from all three bathrooms (naturally, of course, while I was on the phone with someone I was hoping to impress). The family that poops together... ???

5/30/2005 03:27:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please ask this sister to cut back on the amount of fiber she is feeding her children.

My first Mother's Day as a new mommy was memorable. Just was we walked into the chapel, my angelic daughter proceeded to overfill her diaper. The excess escaped the diaper and adorned the front of my dress. At least I didn't have to hear about the perfect mothers whose example we can't live up to.

5/31/2005 12:13:00 PM  
Blogger ireland said...

This site is the best! While attempting to find fodder for my next enrichment meeting lesson, I came across the site. I will be a devoted visitor from now on.

8/22/2005 12:41:00 AM  

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