3/10/2005

Vomit Chronicles

In the Spirit of FMH poop chronicles (and this time the link goes to the stories, I think!) I venture into the vomit chronicles. Yes, since poop has pretty much been covered, let's continue with a different bodily function theme, shall we? And in interest of full disclosure, if you have a weak stomach, please, don't continue reading this post. Read the one about cupcakes instead. (i.e. "you're such a good mom". See link on side bar.) As already been discussed, despite the fact that I only have 1 child, I have been pregnant more than once. And I am not the dainty kind of pregnant gal who says, "Oh, the nausea was terrible--I actually had to throw up once!" Nope, I'm the one who knows where every single bathroom is on every single floor in the building where I work because I have barfed in every single one. I'm the one who threw up the Sacrament, almost bowling over a deacon in my frantic efforts not to spew on the pew. I have thrown up into trash cans, parking lots, and airsick bags aplenty. And FYI, if you want to clear an airplane aisle wicked fast, just hold a full barf bag straight out in front of you and say, "Excuse me, but I REALLY need to get to the bathroom." It's like an ambulance going down main street. Everybody immediately moves to the right. And in this particular case, they were well to move quickly, because I didn't quite make it to the miniature lavatory. It took 3 warm wet towels and assistance from the flight attendant to get everything cleaned up. But I have a story that tops even spewing on my shoes outside an airplane bathroom. I was driving home, small child in the back, and felt that all too familiar feeling. I had just gone grocery shopping, and I thought I could get home before the barf-a-rama began. Sadly, I was mistaken. I upchucked my lunch while driving, and got it all over myself. And I mean, all over myself. So, I finish throwing up, and I'm kind of crying, snotting, and hiccuping all at the same time, horrified that this is happening to me. I pull into the garage, gingerly unstrap my small child so as to not scumify him, hobble into the house, where I promptly throw up again, and feebly begin the process of cleaning up. Then I start hearing some very sad, very plaintative crying coming from the garage, the last place I could remember seeing my very small child. I walk over to the garage, but the location of my son is not immediately apparant. I look a little closer, and realize that in the pursuit of a ball, the child is stuck under the car, pleading for help. So I unstick him, and of course, he is covered with axle grease, or oil, or whatever that sludge is that collects under cars. Then I am subsequently covered with the same stuff, because my sobbing child threw his arms around me when I dragged him out from under the vehicle. So here we are, mother and child, covered in sticky black goo and colorful, stinking vomit, and a car full of groceries to unload. I did what any Mormon woman in my situation would do. I called a girlfriend in tears, just to hear somebody say, "Yeah, that's pretty bad." Then I called my husband, and told him it would be a good idea if he came home a little early that night. I also think I let the groceries sit there until my cousin unloaded them for me, because I'm not really sure how the groceries got in the fridge, I just know I didn't put them there. I think the smell and sight of food were just a little bit unbearable to me at that moment. So there you have it, my grossest story to date. If you have a similar story, please share. I'll just make sure I read your comments after I've put away my groceries.

9 Comments:

Blogger Melissa said...

That's pretty gross Heather.

My grossest (not that bad)... with my oldest, it was popcorn on the side of the road. I would eat popcorn at work in the afternoon (it sounded good at the time), ride the Metro home, get picked up by my husband, and after we'd gone a block or so, have him pull over so I could spew popcorn. Eventually (I don't know how many times it happened) I got smart and stopped eating the popcorn and didn't eat it again for several years.

I also have the distinction of puking up a doughnut by the side of the road in Queens and tomato soup in Kronberg, Germany.

I guess if you're going to puke, do it in exotic places, right?

3/10/2005 09:23:00 AM  
Anonymous Mary said...

Heather, you poor thing! I had a friend puke in the car when she was pregnant in response to her husband letting out a gross belch. Hopefully that taught him!

With my pregnancy, I was very nauseus, and the first time I threw up (mind you, the first time I had thrown up since elementary school!) was when we were visiting my DH's brother and his family. They only have one bathroom and my BIL was taking a shower to get ready for church. I didn't know what to do, knowing the vomit was on it's way up. I debated running outside, but my SIL noticed that I had the "I'm about to puke" look and handed me a bowl. I vomited in the livingroom of their home as my three nieces and nephews watched while eating their breakfast. I kept going and going and my nephew, who was 1 at the time, came over and put his little hand on my knee. Between heaves, I told DH to "move him!!!" as I was afraid my aim would miss the bowl and hit the poor little guy.

Melissa, you sure are an exotic puker. I guess puking in Utah isn't as cool :)

3/10/2005 10:41:00 AM  
Blogger fMhLisa said...

With my first pregnancy, I puked in a cafeteria full of teenagers, who all emitted a collective gasp of horror.

I also got pulled over for speeding on my way home from work (trying to get home before the puke hit) and after I gave the (female) cop my license, I opened the door and puked next to her shoes.

Oh yeah and then there was the time I ate oatmeal for breakfast, and when I puked it back up, it came out in a solid lump, bounced of the toilet water and stuck to my face.

I'm sure there are a few more lurking in there. I'll think about it.

3/13/2005 05:03:00 AM  
Anonymous Vicki said...

My situation was also not that bad but I can tell you that eating a bacon/egg/cheese biscuit while in labor is not a good thing.

3/14/2005 12:02:00 AM  
Anonymous claire said...

You will all think I'm hideously cruel but seeing or hearing about someone throwing up makes me laugh hysterically. Something about being uncomfortable and not knowing what to do about it I suppose.

With my first pregnancy, I make the lovely realization that being pregnant gives me migraines. The full-on visual aura, incredible pain accompanied by severe nausea type migraine. We had plans to go have Thanksgiving with our friends family in Wyoming that we had been so looking forward to so I just prayed not to get sick. Fat chance. About 25 people there and one bathroom. I kept thinking I would throw up and was in and out of the bathroom but other people needed it so I couldn't be in there all day. Well, of course when the time finally came someone was in there and I had to run to the utility sink.

There is nothing worse than knowing someone else is going to have to clean up puke chunks out of a sink!

3/18/2005 01:54:00 PM  
Blogger Heather O. said...

Claire-

Vomit is always funny, at least in retrospect. Why do you think we posted such a topic?

And I have to admit, I had to giggle at your last line about somebody else cleaning up puke chunks. That's almost poetic, sister!

3/18/2005 02:06:00 PM  
Anonymous claire said...

Glad I'm not considered anti-social or psychotic for laughing. The problem is, I usually am laughing AT THE MOMENT people are throwing up. I have been able to overcome this as an adult with my own children however. But in high school when my friends were throwing up drunk, I just couldn't be in the same room. I tried to tack it up to having a weak stomach myself.

While we are on the topic, my mother threw up the first time she (and I!) met my in-laws. What a memory. We had gone to pick her up from the airport and she was motion sick and right before we got to her hotel she said 'pull over!' and threw up a burrito in the snow. Argh. Thankfully, she things it's hilarious.

Love the new blog by the way!

3/18/2005 03:41:00 PM  
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10/04/2005 01:44:00 PM  
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10/08/2005 12:27:00 PM  

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