What to expect when you're not expecting

I can't take full credit for the title of today's post. I stole it from a project my cousin was talking about once, a book he was co-writing with a woman who, obviously, had a hard time having children. To my knowledge, the book with such a provocative title has not yet been published. (If anybody knows differently, let me know--I'd love to read it!) So since there's no book, why not use the title for a hopefully provocative post? So, here goes. I would say that most Mormon women have felt the pressure to "go forth and mutiply and replenish the earth." We are promised "joy in our posterity", and I think that most married Mormon women think seriously about the when and hows of starting a family. I can't say all women, of course, but I would still say the majority of women do. But many women face stumbling blocks along this journey of replenishing the earth. Some women face infertility, and endure long hours waiting for tests results and inconvenient (to put it mildly) and invasive procedures which aren't guarantees anyway. Some women wait through the frustratingly slow process of adoption, only to have their teenage birth mom change her mind at the last minute. Some women get pregnant, carry their babies to term, only to lose them, devastatingly, in the birthing process. Some women lose their babies earlier in the gestation process, a different kind of loss, but still, at the end of all of it, there is no baby. So what can we expect when we are not expecting? Hmm...no book on the shelf(yet) to walk me through what I can expect. No talk in church on Mother's Day about stillbirths. No Young Women's lessons on miscarriage. There was some talk on Times and Seasons (the post was titled Consolation for Tessa and all who loved her, or something like that. I don't know how to link to the exact post, just the main blog-sorry!) about the doctrine available for comfort in these situations, but there doesn't seem to be much definitive stuff out there. So for anybody out there who would like to know what to expect, here it is. Now, I have to say, I only speak for myself, and my experiences. If you have other things to add to the list of expectations based on your experience, please, by all means, add them. I would like this to be as comprehensive a list as possible. In the immediate aftermath of a pregnancy loss, you can expect: -shock -disbelief -overwhelming sadness -an irrational need to rewind the moment to when you still thought you were having a baby -a total shutdown of all irrelative brain functions In the hours proceeding the news, you can expect: -total numbness -total shutdown of all unnecessary brain functions continued In the days and weeks when brain function returns, you can expect: -Overwhelming sadness at completely irrational times. Beware--something that seems totally innocent can send you into a tailspin of momentary despair. -Difficulty seeing other women pregnant -A complicated relationship with babies. On the one hand, you want bury your head in their tiny little chubby necks and inhale their beautiful baby smells and bask in the glory of babyness. Beware, though, because doing so can again send you in an unexpected tailspin of grief that the beautiful smell is not coming home with you. Spirits will lift, slightly, however, if baby poops. Attitude about smell changes abruptly. -A stronger relationship with our Lord and Savior, because you couldn't take another step if it wasn't for Him, and you pray and plead with Him daily to help you be strong. And as was said over at Times and Seasons, pain is pain. It doesn't really matter what caused it. It might have been easier, however, if instead of feeling like I had been run over by a truck, I had known just a little bit about what to expect.