7/22/2006

I hate the Very Hungry Caterpillar

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you all are saying, "How can you hate that book? It's a classic! Eric Carle is a genius! Counting, days of the week, healthy lifestyle, that book has everything!" I used to think that way, too. And then I saw the light. And I'm here to expose the truth. That book is part of a VAST, RIGHT BUTTERFLY-WING conspiracy to DESTROY ALL THE PLANTS OF THE WORLD! That book is not only pro-insect. It is ANTI-PLANT! Seriously, haven't we all grown up charmed by these little creatures? Oh, the magic of it all--a caterpillar eats some good food, makes a cocoon, and emerges as a beautiful butterfly. Oh, look at the pretty butterfly! Pretty, pretty, pretty! Not once did it mention the untimely DEATH OF PLANTS that is necessary to support such pretty activities. Does Eric Carle put a disclaimer on his "book" about how many innocent vegetables were harmed in the making of his "classic"? Of course not! He's right there, in the inner circle! To date, these "cute" little creatures have completely destroyed our broccoli crop, in a matter of 2 days, I might add. Yeah, nice green leaf, my *&^%. Also, we found more of the gross, disgusting creatures burrowing into our squash, and it's just a matter of time before we lose most of our squash as well. These fiends hid themselves so well that we didn't notice the damage until it was extensive. Stupid insects. And did you know that these insects are so revered, they even get a special name for their excretions? Yes, it's called "fress". Why everybody just can't call it poop is beyond me. And the visual propaganda is just appalling. I mean, everybody goes for something that looks like this, right? Would you sell as many books if you included THIS, a TRUE IMAGE? Not exactly cute and fuzzy, eh? And yes, those are exact creatures that are inhabitating MY garden! Did I invite them to the party? I don't think so. Join with me friends, join with me to end this conspiracy, to reveal the truth about these creatures. They are foul, evil, squash and broccoli eating fiends who are not to be trusted. And I'd like somebody to figure out how I can recover damages from these guys. They owe me some vegetables, dang it! Maybe I should call Eric Carle. He looks like a guy who could be easily extorted, right?

14 Comments:

Blogger Cheryl said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!....(wiping a tear)

Sorry about your veggie crop...

7/22/2006 02:35:00 PM  
Blogger Tracy M said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!~~~! (I just snurfed my diet Coke on the computer...)Seriously funny!

7/22/2006 04:14:00 PM  
Anonymous Mary said...

Hilarious! Fress and all! Your poor veggies!

7/22/2006 06:10:00 PM  
Blogger Heather O. said...

Yes, I don't think the squash will make it. Short of slicing open every stem and kiiling each and every caterpillar, I don't think we can do much. And we did try to kill lots of the caterpillars, but when some caterpillar juice got squirted up into my face, I just couldn't stomach any more of it.

These particularly yucky guys are moth larvae, I have come to find out. Yeah, like they could sell any children's book with a name like, "The Very Hungry Moth Larvae".

7/22/2006 10:44:00 PM  
Blogger Tracy M said...

Ewwww. Ew. EWWW!

There had got to be some organic thingy you can put on them to discourage nasty larvae- diatamaceous earth? (spelling might be off on that one) I know there are natural things Organic gardeners use-- but I'm no help.

Just had to weigh in with my EW! on the caterpillar juice. GROSS!

7/22/2006 10:56:00 PM  
Anonymous jbn said...

They're cute when they are a fuzzy little pet for your son, and warrant the name "Fuzzy Wuzzy". But I guess that changes when it gets taken home on the airplane in a home-made box of a house, which gets left on the plane, causing the little boy to cry in the airport, resulting in the airport attendant (who works way down at the baggage claim no less) feeling sorry for the little boy, so he goes back to the plane twice to check but it's already gone, and then the little boy talks about it for the next 6 months of his life, getting teary-eyed every time Fuzzy Wuzzy's name is mentioned. Yeah, I guess I hate them too.

7/23/2006 12:59:00 AM  
Blogger aquamarine said...

Bleck!!! I must admit I had the wool pulled over my eyes, but now? Now that I have seen the discusting vessels of distruction and know that they squirt juice (EWWW!) I will never side with moth larve again!!!

7/23/2006 01:16:00 AM  
Blogger Heather O. said...

jbn-

I hope you enlightened your son about the diabolical little bugggers to ease his pain. And I hope Fuzzy Wuzzy got sucked into the plane's engines.

7/23/2006 08:30:00 AM  
Blogger Jamie J said...

That was hilarious!!! Sorry about your garden! Wretched creatures. I will never ever read that book again!

7/23/2006 10:09:00 PM  
Anonymous Sue said...

In your honor, this evening for family home evening we will gather around the garden tonight to ceremonially burn our copy of this fiendish book.

Hee hee hee

7/24/2006 12:22:00 PM  
Anonymous Carrie said...

Are you kidding me?? All of this over a childrens book? I guess if it's not one thing it's another with the "left-wing caterpillars"! I think you read way too much out of that book and did so without your midol! Ok, your veggies got eaten up, but what has that got to do with a CHILDREN'S BOOK?? Maybe the next time you plant your garden you'll use the fertilizer that kills the bugs that destroy your vegetables! Oh- and Sue, I think you're such a great example to your children! Teaching your kids how to burn a book! What's next? Our American Flag? I bet you all can find something wrong with our flag as well!

7/25/2006 03:46:00 AM  
Anonymous Sue said...

Ummm... Carrie... I'm hoping you are joking and not just humor impaired... See, we were JOKING. That's what all of the ha-ha-ha-has and hee-hee-hees were supposed to indicate. Feeling better now?

7/25/2006 10:53:00 AM  
Blogger The Daring One said...

At least he hasn't gotten into your chocolate cake, your slice of swiss cheese, or your salami yet. We just read this last night and were also appalled.

7/25/2006 11:58:00 AM  
Blogger Heather O. said...

Carrie-

The American Flag is completely ANTI-COLOR, because it uses only 3 colors, one of which isn't actually a color! And use of the color RED discrimnates against those disabled Americans who are RED-GREEN COLOR BLIND! It's just a further symbol of America's OBSESSION with MONOCHROMOCITY!


And I'm sure the creators of the flag are somehow in cahoots with caterpillars in their plot for total and complete plant destruction and WORLD DOMINATION! I just haven't figured out the link, yet. Give me time, baby, give me time....

7/25/2006 01:45:00 PM  

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