Nature Sucks Rocks

OK, so today I went up to a cabin of my cousins. Despite what I am going to say in this post, it really was fun, we ate, talked with extended family, etc. etc. However, I have come to a conclusion about myself that I have been flirting with for quite a while. I hate nature. We walked over to the lake to give our kids a canoe ride, and while on the path to the lake, we passed two MOOSE - yes, big, huge antlered animals that could have trampled us at any time. All these people (nature was actually very crowded today) were standing around taking pictures of these mega animals. I was like 'HELLO!' These are wild moose, people! This is not Bullwinkle - I see no talking squirrels anywhere about. (Although that would be COOL - chatting with a squirrel about the pros and cons of nature.) Just because the moose are in the meadow, and you're on the 'path' does not make you safe. They could come and eat you at any time! Well, technically, moose are vegetarians, so they wouldn't eat you, but being trampled to death in front of my children is not my preferred way to go. I was thinking of that old joke of two people come across a bear, and the one says 'Do you think you can outrun a bear?' and the other was like 'I don't have to. I just have to outrun you.' I was seriously wondering if the moose would stop once they started trampling, so all I had to do was outrun some of these people, or if it would just keep coming for me because it smelled my fear or something. Plus, the fact that the crocodile hunter guy who knows everything about animals was just killed by a stingray did not help my mood as I pondered these moose and the lack of knowledge I had about them. (Do you stand still? Play dead? Run like hell? Climb a tree? Crap! No trees!) I was also thinking about the movie 'Failure to Launch' where the one guy was like "Dude. Nature rejects you." (have no idea if that was the actual line) I was hoping nature wouldn't reject me. "Look, kids! Moose! Isn't nature fun?" (OK, just keep walking, pretend you're not scared, get to the lake...I'm pretty sure moose can't swim, but I'm actually not that sure about it...I REALLY wish I was in my car right now!) Back at the cabin, it was a constant watch to make sure the kids didn't go too near the creek, since it was very high and running very fast, and one of my cousins kept walking around yelling "What's the drowning count? Anyone yet?" (which didn't help my water issues at all) and the drive home through windy canyon roads while my kids were yelling "I DON'T KNOW BUT I'VE BEEN TOLD!" over and over made me throw up once I got home. In conclusion, love my family, love eating with them, talking with them, playing games with them, but I prefer to do it without actually having to breathe any fresh air. On the flip side, I wonder what moose tastes like.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Moose is delicious, yes moose can swim, you were right, they are wild animals and can be dangerous. Best defense, stay as far away as possible, put a tree between you and the moose, don't try to outrun them, they are fast.

9/05/2006 12:08:00 AM  
Anonymous meems said...

As a person who spent her childhood alphabetizing her pack of 64 Crayola crayons and playing board games, I concur that nature is for the birds.

With that mind, every once in awhile I try to play "sporty-girl" and pretend I love nature. I go snorkelling and say things like, "Let's go to Muir Woods!" But in reality, I'm scared the whole time I'm out on the reef, and the best part of hiking in Muir Woods is stopping at a good restaurant on the way home.

9/05/2006 01:09:00 AM  
Blogger Chrissie said...

When I lived in the States I was constantly freaked by nature. You have animals there that I don't even recognise, let alone know how to deal with. You have spiders that can kill you and snakes that can kill you and (apparently) moose that can kill you. And skunks that smell to high heaven. And wild cats in the mountains that can kill you. And great big honking big scary big (did I mention big?) bears. That can kill you. And blizzards with 20 feet of snow overnight. And signs in the desert that say "Beware - Rabies" or "Beware - Bubonic Plague" which killed off a fair few of my ancestors here many hundreds of years ago but to my knowledge not one lately.

Ah yes...give me good ol' Blighty with the odd fox and occasional badger. And no moose.

9/05/2006 03:05:00 AM  
Blogger Heather O. said...


Moose can indeed swim, as we saw a moose in a river when we went canoeing this summer. Amazingly, he was very close, and (gasp!) we were not mauled, stomped, or even nibbled on in the slightest. And I did whip out the camera and take a very bad shot of the beast, and the kids were delighted that we got to canoe through moose hair that was still clinging to the water as well as examine something brown that was floating in the water, which we could only surmise was moose poop. Nature totally, totally, totally rocks, and if you just don't do something stupid like say, "I've got great karma with bears--they won't hurt", or film a movie about "The Ocean's Deadliest", you will probably be fine.

Now, if you could just do something about ticks that carry infectious, deadly diseases, I would be all good.

9/05/2006 10:38:00 AM  
Anonymous Hot Texas Mama said...

Ha. Heather O, I saw the bear guy on Primetime too.

Now I just hope Jeff Corwin makes it through his career. He's kind of charming.

9/05/2006 10:45:00 AM  
Anonymous jbn said...

Ask Jamisue's husband what happens when a person gets between a mommy moose and its baby. Fear of moose is a smart and virtuous quality.

9/05/2006 12:45:00 PM  
Anonymous Hot Texas Mama said...

I got crapped on yesterday by a seagull, by the way. Love it. Love it.

9/05/2006 01:56:00 PM  
Blogger Starfoxy said...

My roommate had an elderly professor who would warn every class she taught not to play with dead prairie dogs because they'll give you the plague. At first we thought she was nuts, but later we found out that our state and county has the highest rate of bubonic plague infections in the US because of people playing with those darn dead prairie dogs.

9/05/2006 02:28:00 PM  
Anonymous tracy m said...

Ok, dead prairie dogs, rabid mooses, seagull poop, egad! I go away for three weeks and the crocodile hunter had to go and get dead!! Personally, I think he couldn't have picked a better way to go- I just feel bad for his wife and small kids, (the ones he named after his dogs...) I like Jeff Corwin too...

Yup, moose sure can swim... Every year up here in the Northwest, we get a few that inadvertantly land in people's swimming pools, and the fire department has to come our and crane them out of the water. Always makes the highlight reel for the evening news.

I'm with you Wiz, I always thought I had to like nature, I tried, I pretended, and alas, now that I am a tad bid older and hopefully wiser, I give. Uncle. I hate nature. I hate biting bugs, weed that make my eyes water, throat tickle, sneeze and gag. I hate being hot, and having my blood sucked by something that might give me a disease... I especially hate camping with little kids. This is a level of hell I do not care to visit ever.

I'm so there with you. Lets go somewhere cool, where we can get ice in our drinks and a babysitter!

9/05/2006 03:19:00 PM  
Blogger The Wiz said...

tracy m -

You're on.

9/05/2006 04:17:00 PM  
Blogger jamisue said...

OK, so both my DH and I have been chased by a Momma moose. The answer, Wiz, is run away from the water and climb if you can. Moose linger near water and often, they have babies in the bushes that you can't see. When baby is near, they chase. When they are cornered, they chase. DH climbed the nearest tree until Momma passed, and I outran my brother before climbing. He's still alive 'cuz he climbed too.

As for me, although I was raised in nature and can still cop a squat in the sage brush if nature calls, my preference is on a tropical beach with cabana boys.

9/05/2006 05:13:00 PM  
Blogger Rachel H said...

One of my fave movies of childhood, the original "Parent Trap" had a quote I have thought of many times in my life with nature, "Get me out of this STINKIN' FRESH AIR!!!" =)

9/05/2006 10:18:00 PM  
Blogger Mo Mommy said...

Back home we have moose everywhere, literally. Our driveway went through to the next street and was always used as a thoroughfare for moose. I've been bluff charged by a moose (scary as hell btw)and been lucky enough to walk obliviously by grazing moose only a few dozen feet away. I have eaten moose in almost every form, including ribs (huge and delish) and liver(just as gross as you imagine).
I was amazed when I moved on base and saw all these people from Outside walking up to moose and taking pictures. Don't even get me started on people feeding them, though I once had the pleasure of watching someone who was feeding a moose get sneezed on and covered, COVERED, in moose snot.
At least back home the dangers were big and smelly (moose and bear), where as here they can be tiny and deadly and sneak up on you (spiders and snakes).
I like the outdoors, but I'm more of a car camper, not a backpacker.

9/05/2006 10:33:00 PM  
Blogger Mo Mommy said...

Oh yeah, yesterday I killed a bird when it ran into my car.....does cleaning bird poop from my window count as getting back in touch with nature?

9/05/2006 10:35:00 PM  
Blogger Tammy and Parker said...

I've heard that Moose Jerky is decent.......

I'm no help, huh? =)

9/05/2006 10:35:00 PM  
Blogger Cheryl said...

Okay women, I am SOOOO different here.

I have been 10 feet away from a bull moose with 32 children. THIRTY-TWO CHILDREN. Yes, they were 7 and 8 years old. And yes, I was a little freaked, but only because I had 32 children with me.

I LOVE NATURE. I love camping. I love fresh air. I love hiking. I love the sweating. I love the sunrises, the snakes, the dirt, the campfires, the lakes, the rivers, the fish, the beavers, the squirrels, etc. etc. Okay, I draw the line on mosquitos and loud raccoons. But for the most part, I love it.

I worked at a Family camp for 2 years just so I could sleep in a shack and wake up to the pine air every morning.

I hiked to the top of Mt. Timp pregnant. I hiked the "Y" on Monday (I'm 17 weeks now).

Although I don't water ski, I love boating and canoeing. Kayaking in Mexico and Hawaii are some of my favorite memories.

Sorry. I'm sure I'm in the minority and y'all hate me now, but I couldn't stand to see Nature getting a bad wrap anymore. Nature is my friend!

9/06/2006 08:28:00 PM  
Blogger Heather O. said...


Let's go camping...

9/06/2006 10:38:00 PM  
Blogger TftCarrie said...

I'm right there with you Cheryl even among all these nature haters. Love it! My children love it. We can't get enough of it. Nature revitalizes my soul--moose and all.

9/06/2006 11:06:00 PM  
Anonymous dangermom said...

Mooses go walking over the hill. Mooses go walking--they rarely stand still.
Mooses go walking up to to your window at night.
They look to the left, they look to the right.
The mooses are smiling, they think it’s a zoo,
And that’s why the mooses are looking at you.
So if you see mooses while lying in bed,
It’s best to just stay there pretending you’re dead.
The mooses will leave and you’ll get the thrill
Of seeing the mooses go over the hill.

--Arlo Guthrie

9/07/2006 01:48:00 AM  
Blogger annegb said...

I hate nature, also. In general. Sometimes I like it, specifically things like the quiet river running by the place where I stayed last week or the blood red moon. I liked that.

9/10/2006 01:21:00 PM  
Blogger Wooooooman said...

cheryl, I'm with you also. I couldn't see nature being accused like that. Hey, Wiz, maybe the real thing that you hate the most is being a MOMMY! Stop blamming it onto the innocent parks, rivers and animals. Those are all my friends, leave them alone!

5/31/2007 06:16:00 PM  
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