1/27/2006

Don't Delay Having Children....

My husband & I got married when he was 26 & I was 23. We were married six years before we decided that we wanted to start having kids. Now our son is almost 1 ½ years & he has brought SO much joy to our lives, but I still don’t regret waiting to have kids. We were able get our degrees, to get into a house, travel tons, develop careers, raise a dog, & spend a lot of quality time with just the two of us. When people at church found out how long we’d been married, every one assumed that we couldn’t have children & that’s why we didn’t have any. I remember once during a Mother’s Day program, the lady behind me tapped on my shoulder and said, “It took us many years to have kids, one day, you’ll be able to see your child up there…just have faith.” I kept the many comments reeling around in my head to myself like, “What makes you assume we can’t have kids?” or other side “There are many wonderful, very faithful people in this world that, for whatever unknown reason, will never be able to have kids.” So, I took it the easy way. We waited until we were financially & emotionally ready for a child. Some of you may think it was against God’s will, after all, we’ve all been counseled to have children & not wait for temporal things because the Lord will bless us. Think what you will, I have no regrets.

I believe the Lord blesses us & I’m sure he has blessed many of you out there that decided to have children right after marriage. So, why was I so worried & almost annoyed when my brother-in-law & his wife announced to the family at Christmas that they are pregnant? Because the Lord expects us to have a plan too. My brother-in-law is 25. He and his wife have been married for 2 years…that’s a fairly normal timeframe for Mormons to start having kids. She’s 24. I know this because I made the mistake of guessing how old she was on her last birthday...it turns out you shouldn’t guess some one’s age when they aren’t mature and act like a teenager most of the time. I guessed 22, could have justified 18…hopefully she’s gotten over it. Why am I so worried for them? I’m trying to be excited for them, but I just don’t know how they are going to do it. I don’t think they are thinking about reality. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that they both make only about $7/hr, are going to school, & live in my in-law’s basement. Have they estimated how much the medical bills will be? No. Have they estimated how much diapers & formula will cost? No. Have they figured out what they are going to do with the baby when they are both working and going to school? No. Plus, they just told us that they are sick of living at the in-law’s house because they have to shovel the walkways (which they don’t do half of the time) instead of paying rent, so they are going to move into an apartment. They can’t afford an apartment on their own, so they are going to get an apartment her sister… That’s a whole different issue… So, come August, I guess reality will hit. Maybe I’m just being too paranoid for them & everything will fall into place for them. Or maybe, the Lord expects us to have a plan.

42 Comments:

Blogger The Wiz said...

Or maybe....the Lord expects us to follow his plan.

My plan was to graduate from college, work for a while, get married at 27 and have a baby at 30. I did not expect to get married at 20 with only 2 years of schooling (almost) done, (and later finish college while pregnant with my 3rd child.) But the Lord made it very clear that I was supposed to get married at that time to that man. So I did, and I'm very happy about it.

I planned to have kids after we got into a house, after a year of marriage. We got the house, but it took a year to get pregnant. Not my plan, but at least I didn't have to wait longer or go through horrific fertility issues.

Then I planned on waiting 3 years before having more kids. It was made very clear that my first 2 kids were to be a lot closer than that. I battled with it, but finally gave in and followed the promptings. Not my plan to have kids 20 months apart, but I really think it's great that I do. They were probably meant to be closer, but my fear got in the way.

I could go on and on about how my plans got "thwarted" in favor of following the spirit. I know the Lord expects us to use our brains, but he also expects us to have faith.

It sounds to me like you have issues with this particular BIL, and maybe rightly so. (I also hate freeloading passionately) But don't let those issues cloud your judgment with regards to people in general- the scriptures and our own lives are filled with people making seemingly "stupid" decisions, and we only see the reasons far down the road.

I also know a woman who put off having children only to be told she couldn't have any, but if she'd tried 10 years earlier they would have been fine. Devastating news (and why the dr. had to phrase it that way, I'm STILL upset about...).but of course, she had no way of knowing that.

I'm just saying..it's always nice to have a plan. But don't let yourself get too upset when things don't go according to plan. And don't be too upset when other people's plans aren't the same as yours.

And you can't change your BIL.

Shutting up now....

1/27/2006 06:58:00 PM  
Blogger hairyshoefairy said...

I agree that Heavenly Father gave us brains for a reason and we should use our best judgement, but I also believe He gave us the Spirit for a reason, to give us guidance.

Like the Wiz, I didn't plan on getting married until I was older, but it became clear through experiences, circumstances, and inspiration that I should marry my husband. Ultimately I make the decision, but it was with a lot of prayer and pondering. As for children, hte bishop of our singles ward gave us some awesome advice about deciding when to have children. We decided to wait a while unless prompted otherwise. Our baby will come when we've been married about 3 1/2 years. I'd have been fine if it was even a few more, but I know this is the right time for us.

I guess all I'm saying is I believe these decisions are ones to be made between you, your spouse and the Lord, and honestly I don't think it's anyone else's business. I always found it funny after we'd been married for a while when people would ask "so, when are you going to start your family?" First of all, how rude to be so nosey and second, my husband and I ARE a family, thank you very much. Besides, I would imagine couples with fertility problems who are trying to conceive would find this comment incredibly inconsiderate and hurtful.

I think too often in the church people feel pressured to do what they're "supposed to do" but in my whole 24 years of life I don't remember ever hearing the Bretheren, from the pulpit in conference, in the Ensign, or any other church publication for that matter, tell us that as soon as we graduate or return from a mission we should immediately get married or that the second after we're married we should begin having children. I have been told that before the 80's people had a different impression, but that's what I've grown up hearing and believing. I think the First Pres. and the Twelve know it's a personal thing. They give us gentle guidance and remind us it is a large part of the Plan of Happieness, but ultimately it is between couples and the Lord.

As you can see I'm a little opinionated on this topic. Okay, a lot opinionated. I'll step off my soapbox now.

1/27/2006 07:35:00 PM  
Blogger Susan M said...

I got married at 18 and had two kids right away, another followed three years after the second. I'm 35 now, and I look at kids that age now and think we were crazy.

It would've been a lot easier if we'd gone to school first and waited to have kids. But it didn't work out that way--we were young and didn't know what we were doing. While I wish we could've provided more for the kids when they were small, my kids, and my marriage, have so far turned out great.

My kids are now 15, 14 and 11. I'll be 43 when my youngest goes on a mission!

1/27/2006 07:48:00 PM  
Anonymous Beanie said...

It has become clear in my life that MY plan and The LORDS plan are two very different things. Now, if I only knew fully what the Lord has planned in my life, I could go about doing all that I could to fulfill that plan, and do it with much less stress! I never thought that my husband’s and my life since we got married almost 5 years ago would have taken the many different paths that it has. Let’s see…DH being “let go” from his good job when we got back from our honeymoon (happy nuptials!), so I worked while Dh went to school. We did want kids 6mo-1yr after marriage, but in order for me to stay home and be with those kids, I couldn’t quit till husband had a job…well, to make a long story short, two degrees, 5 moves, and 2 different jobs (for husband), myself quitting 2 yrs ago (because of not getting a transfer) later, we now find ourselves with 3+ years of fertility issues. What’s my point; well you can’t always see the forest thru the trees. I believe that something like when to have children is between three people, you, your husband, and the Lord. It’s amazing what people assume! And I take comfort in knowing that someday, somehow, we will be able to be parents. I didn’t always know that. Also Everyone’s plan is different.

1/27/2006 08:22:00 PM  
Blogger Mo Mommy said...

Our first child was born 4 years after we were married, talk about getting pressure at church. We enjoyed the time, but we also needed it to be decent parents. My BIL has a honeymoon baby and I thought they were nuts, and unprepared. They had it hard but it has worked well for them. It might not have been the best way for them to do things, but I found out that it's not my place to decide that. But I totally understand what you're saying.

1/27/2006 08:40:00 PM  
Blogger dede said...

I also married younger than I had expected (22) and had a baby within 2 years because I thought I was "supposed to". At the time of the birth we were both working full time and full time students. I don't know what we were thinking. What kind of situation is that to bring a child into this world? Those were the hardest years of our lives both mentally and spiritually.

We waited almost 5 years to have another child and the difference in how it felt to be a parent at that point was night and day. We were able to enjoy being parents instead of almost resenting it.

I think there is too much pressure put on us as members to have children before we are ready. There is nothing wrong with waiting.

1/27/2006 09:06:00 PM  
Blogger nestle said...

I agree with all of the above. Weird to say but yes. We had a baby right off. We were just so close to each other that having a baby didn't seem to be any different to us. It was a weird addition. Almost like getting a new doll. She was perfect and very low-maintenance. I had a c-section so we were told we had to wait 2 years until the next one (not a problem by me). Ha! Different plans ensued. Right after Kev graduated from ASU we decided to wait a year before applying to med-school. Yes we were the free-loaders. We stayed at my grandparents house. They gave us a place to live, in return we shoveled snow, put on a roof, washed cars, took people to the hospital etc. We did everything we could not to wear out our welcome. Then we found out we were pregnant again. Huge surprise and yet we felt calm about it. We figured there was a reason (other than the obvious) that we have the 2 kids 16 months apart. Yep 16 months apart.

We are now at Georgetown Medical School with 2 kids the oldest just turned 3. In our ward we have extreamely wealthy, successful people who have waited to have kids and I am thankful we did it our way. Let's just say it is so much fun living off a wing and a prayer. In all reality it really is fun to realize that we are doing everything we can and then the rest is up to the Lord. It's scary and exhilirating to truly see how much you're going to rely on the Lord, actually it's a lot easier when you HAVE to.

There's an old John Wayne Movie called McClintock. In that movie there is quote where John Wayne tells his daughter she's not going to inherit all of his wealth. He tells her it's not because he doesn't care about her but because he loves her. There's nothing that compares to love a man and a women develop with all that growing together when they are struggling. I can say that for the kids too. I don't know if I would have felt as close to these kids if I didn't have to work really hard to try to put food. I don't know if Kev and I would be as close trying to make this work with the Lord right now if we didn't have that struggle.
I know but I know I've never been this close to the Lord (more of a 'Please make me have patience enough not to break today' type of thing). It's hard, no denying that but at the same time when you feel right about it there's a calm that comes over you. It just seems right, like cookies a milk. You can't imagine it being any other way. Kevin and definately weren't mature enough for a child, they'll probably grow up warped or something like that but hey at least they'll know that the Lord answered their parents' prayers. At least these two will.

Kids right off the bat is awesome!!! BUT, we are waiting to have more. We actually asked our stake president about it because we have family members who are very against any waiting for anything. He told us that yes we are told to have kids but we are also told we need to provide for them. The Lord will take care of us but to use our brains as well. We are waiting on anymore because we wouldn't be able to take care of them finacially... although that was the case with having the first two and it didn't matter before. I think when you are young and nieve you are more willing to make an uncomfortable leap of faith.
I think the Lord has asked us to make the decision for ourselves between Him and us and who cares what anyone else says. They aren't in the equation. Each Child of God had his/her own issues that only the Lord knows. Each individual situation has a different answer. There is no one set answer.

1/27/2006 09:50:00 PM  
Blogger Tracy M said...

I think everyone has made good points, both for and against. Me- I waited, got married at 27, first baby at 29, then 31 and now at 33, #3 is on the way. AND I'm done. That is another thing that rude people at church feel free to comment on, the number of kids you have.

My brother and his wife have a honeymoon baby. I think they are nuts and it is straining the daylights out of their marriage, but I love them and support them anyway.

The only thing I can ever coming from the pulpit is that this is a personal decision between husband, wife and God- that really should be enough.

By the way, Im still trying to figure out what the Lords plan is for me anyway.

1/27/2006 10:04:00 PM  
Blogger Cheryl said...

LOVE the comments. LOVE them.

You, your spouse and the Lord. Seriously, everyone's touched on it and that is how it should be.

My cousin got married right as she finished at BYU. Her hubby, however, had about 3 years or so of college left. He's been done for 1 1/2 years and they have FOUR children. FOUR. They've been criticized up and down for having 3 while he was in college (and she didn't work) and then adopting the 4th just after #3 turned one. (That opened up "so, you can't have anymore?!?!")

I am SOOOOO proud of her. They don't regret any of it for a moment. Yeah, life was hard. So, what?

I was 19 when I married. Had my first at 22 just 5 days before I graduated from college. Numbers 2 and 3 came soon after and I'm 26. Do I regret it? HELL, NO! We're hoping to have a couple more.

It's good to have a plan. But it's good to allow God to change that plan. Who knows? Maybe your BIL does have a plan, but it's more spiritually-based then logically-based. Or not.

(Did I just swear up there?!?!)

1/27/2006 11:23:00 PM  
Anonymous JKS said...

Wow, Goochie. How old did you say you were? I would think you might have gained a little wisdom over the years.
I am a planner by nature, so I understand that completely. I waited four years before trying to get pregnant so I have no issue with you waiting.
But I have seen that planning doesn't really ever eliminate risk. And overplanning can mean never taking a step that you should.
Yes, there are plenty of young adults that have no clue what life holds for them. My children, when they turn 18, will probably be clueless. I will know this. But I hope they still go ahead and go out into the world and try.
Sometimes, you have to learn things through experience.
I know I try to learn through other people's mistakes, but sometimes, people can only learn through their own.
And sometimes, what I consider a mistake for me, isn't a mistake for someone else.
Perhaps getting pregnant spurs your brother and sister in law to move out and be on their own. This could be a good thing. Perhaps it makes them concentrate on things that are important. Perhaps they will learn to work harder, or budget better, or just simply enjoy life more because they are working together on the greatest project in their lives, raising a family.
I know that it is hard when brothers and sisters don't ask for your advice, or don't look to you for a role model, when you have more experience than them. But they really might survive, and actually be happy, even if they don't have careers in place, or a house bought, or anything in a perfectly orderly way.
Life is sometimes messy. Just because you hate the mess (which I understand, because I am the same way) doesn't mean that other people have to work so hard at avoiding mess. Some people thrive on not obsessing about the future or worrying about financial security. They are spontaneous, or they live in the moment.
Maybe, things will work out just fine for them. They will learn and grow in life, and their years of having a child before a degree won't ruin their entire lives.

1/27/2006 11:34:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I know that it is hard when brothers and sisters don't ask for your advice"

I would almost think it worse if they did ask for advise, and then compleatly ignored it.

1/27/2006 11:45:00 PM  
Blogger Tracy M said...

jks-

"Wow, Goochie. How old did you say you were? I would think you might have gained a little wisdom over the years."

OUCH! That's a little harsh, don't you think? Her way is different, just as all of ours are- no need to slam her for airing her opinion.

1/28/2006 12:37:00 AM  
Blogger FrogLegs said...

I like th e"live on a wing & a prayer" analogy. My first marriage we were so broke. We were told it was impossible for me to have children- so we didn't "care," and Nathan came about near our 1st anniv. Now that I've remarried, and we have been trying and no luck... my "plan" is still not working. :) But I think harder than it was 'back then' with money, school, etc, I'd go back to that than to church tomorrow to listen to people tell me "it will happen when you least expect it," and all those other responses to having babies that I detest.

Be there for it all with them- it will work out. Plans that ar egood for one, aren't good for others.

1/28/2006 09:51:00 AM  
Blogger annegb said...

I was two months pregnant, two months married, barely 18, and I called the doctor to get birth control pills because my period hadn't started yet and I was afraid I might get pregnant. I had no clue. I had that child ten minutes after I got to the hospital because I didn't know I was in labor. I mean, it hurt like hell, but I didn't know that was labor.

That was my easiest labor.

I don't have an opinion on when anyone should have kids. I hope Princess Buttgold and her Prince "sort of clueless, but sweet" Charming, will wait awhile.

Now I'm 53, I think I'm almost mature enough to think about starting a family.

I am constantly amazed at the wisdom and maturity of the women I see raising families. And you guys, the courage! I look at what we went through and I look at kids starting out and I get scared to death.

1/28/2006 10:34:00 AM  
Blogger a spectator said...

It is so funny how everyone feels the need to defend the way they did it. I have to admit, that I fall on the practical (planning) side and truthfully I judge (I know I shouldn't!) people who don't plan as irresponsible. Bad, huh? I know. But I still think I am right. Maybe a few more years will knock some judgement out of my.

1/28/2006 11:37:00 AM  
Blogger mindy said...

I think we would be a lot better off if we quit pointing out the motes in others' eyes...

I saw on the Bloggernacle recently the question of (more or less) whether it is better to start having children right away and only have two, or better to wait a few years to start and then have six. In reality, it doesn't matter what we think. It matters whether or not we are trying to find out what God's will for us is, as the wiz said.

We are told to seek the kingdom of God first, and that all other things will be added unto us if we do that. Only ourselves & God can know our hearts, so only He can judge us appropriately.

1/28/2006 11:56:00 AM  
Blogger Heather O. said...

I had a plan. It's been completely shot to hell.

Now I have no plan. It's easier that way.

1/28/2006 03:43:00 PM  
Anonymous Rosalynde said...

I'm not an "anything goes" type; I think there probably are better and worse ways to do most things, although everyone of course must play with the cards she's dealt. Darned if I know many of the answers, though.

I will say that I'm not at all sure that more money, more years and more education make better parents. I put off having children for several years after my marriage for the sake of my graduate education---and while I'm mightily glad that I did so, I'm quite certain it didn't make me a better mother, and may have made me a worse. Frankly, the women I have seen struggle most with the transition into motherhood (and I count myself among those) are those who have become accustomed to self-direction, outside validation, and achievement---precisely the things that money, education and age tend to confer. On the other hand, those I have seen adapt most gracefully are those who require little self direction, outside validation and achievement.

1/28/2006 03:56:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Kevin and [I] definately weren't mature enough for a child, they'll probably grow up warped or something like that but hey at least they'll know that the Lord answered their parents' prayers."

This is one of the most ridiculous and irresponsible things I have ever heard. Best of luck to you.

1/28/2006 04:09:00 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

I love how this is such a hot topic in the church. Whatever you do it is usually the way it's supposed to go for you. It really is what you can handle and how you handle it. No matter what you do and how you do it is going to be wrong in someones eyes, so do what makes you happy with no regrets!!!!

1/28/2006 05:47:00 PM  
Blogger Julie M. Smith said...

"Frankly, the women I have seen struggle most with the transition into motherhood (and I count myself among those) are those who have become accustomed to self-direction, outside validation, and achievement---precisely the things that money, education and age tend to confer. On the other hand, those I have seen adapt most gracefully are those who require little self direction, outside validation and achievement."

While this is true in my experience (personal as well as what I see around me) as well, I think the calculus changes after the first several years. As the children grow, the women who had 'something' before they had children seem to be better mothers and more fulfilled than those who had 'nothing' first.

1/28/2006 11:27:00 PM  
Anonymous JKS said...

Julie,
I think you have a good point. I think I agree.

1/29/2006 12:49:00 AM  
Anonymous JKS said...

tracy m,
Yeah, I was a little harsh. But, I felt the tone of her original post was quite harsh. I have to wonder if she realized that the internet is public, and her brother and sister in law (or other family members) could easily read what she's written.
I felt that if she was going around slamming others for being immature, maybe she wouldn't mind me pointing out her immaturity.
I fully admit that it wasn't good manners to immediately call how I see it, instead of gently pointing out a different point of view. But, its not like I've made any friends on the internet being nice.

1/29/2006 12:55:00 AM  
Blogger nestle said...

"This is one of the most ridiculous and irresponsible things I have ever heard. Best of luck to you. "

Ummm... It's called laughing at yourself. I believe and still believe we are not mature enough to raise kids. I don't think we will ever be, we laugh too much, rely too much on the Lord (is this a fault? I don't think so). We do odd things, that doesn't make us bad parents in any way shape or form (honestly I feel quite the opposite).

BTW Kev is getting his medical degree, I have an education degree, I have read almost a complete library (small town, but hey, it's still almost a whole library, couldn't seem to make my way through the reference stuff nor all the sci-fi stuff) and no matter how much education we get I'll still think we're too immature. Maybe it's because we don't take ourselves too seriously and have learned that the more we learn the less we know. Because of that we laugh at ourselves and in turn laugh at others who do take themselves too seriously. I'm laughing at you right now. Best to you and whatever you do. I still hope we don't screw up our kids too much.

1/29/2006 01:26:00 PM  
Anonymous Susan M said...

Not taking yourself too seriously = good.

I think everyone should be aware of where they're lacking as a parent. I can't help but think that people who think they're great parents are going to be blindsided by some horrible thing their kid ends up doing. I know I'm not the greatest mom, and I don't know how my kids have turned out so well...I keep waiting for them to realize how lame their parents are and hate us (they are all teenagers/pre-teens), but it hasn't happened yet. They actually like hanging out with us. (But maybe it's hard to rebel against a dad who's a snowboarder/surfer/skater and a mom who's a web developer/rock photographer.)

1/29/2006 02:43:00 PM  
Blogger Tigersue said...

Ulitimately this comes down to choice in when we have our families and sometimes we don't have that choice either. I could never understand how some people can plan their pregnancies, I mean I could never plan mine, trust me I would never have a baby in the fall if it were my choice. I have had to trust completely in the Lord's timing. It is not up to us to judge someone else for not having children when "we" think they should, nor when they have children before "we" think they should.
Many, many families have children at much younger ages, and manage, just fine, the trick is to help, but not enable bad choices, and that is not being responsible after choices are made.
Anyway, for me children did not come as planned, I technically shouldn't have any, but I have been blessed. I have been judged for not having the number of children people think "I" should have had, at least until I had these last two years after my first two. Ultimately procreation is up to the couple, and the Lord, and no one else.
Hope that wasn't too preachy, or too pushy. I can understand pretty much all sides as I have seen all sides, much as you have described. So I'm preaching to myself too. :)

1/29/2006 06:32:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You could have waited to have children like we did. Steady job, regular promotions and lots of security. Things were good. Until one day you decide that a career change is in order. (I think that the wife is still less then thrilled) So now instead of being young, in college and having wee ones, we are about to be middle aged, in college and have toddlers. My point is I guess in the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter when/if you have kids. We are just making the most of it and trying to enjoy life as a FAMILY.

1/29/2006 07:07:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years and I am pregnant with our first. We got married when we were both 21. I finished school, and now work in my career while he goes to school.

My brother and his wife have been married for over 6 years and haven't started a family yet. But that is none of mine or anyone else's business. They will do it when they feel ready.

I agree that many people just jump right in with kids, not realizing that what is involved. I believe my husband and I are ready. I have a very good job, we are fairly stable financially and the 3 years of the just the two of us was perfect.

Hopefully your BIL will be able to enjoy the experience of children, and not end up hating it.

1/30/2006 05:02:00 AM  
Blogger Goochie said...

Thanks all for your comments - I enjoyed every one of them on this topic - even you jks! One thing I've found is that when you write anything, it will be read in any tone.

1/30/2006 11:09:00 AM  
Blogger Montserrat said...

Okay, I'll probably blow you all out of the water when I tell you I got married a month after I turned 17 had my first 10 months later and now have six, all girls (the sixth was born before our 10th anniversary). And I don't regret a single moment.

My husband I had an interview with Pres. Hinckley before we got married. He was the one who sealed us in the SL Temple. Mind you what he told us was counsel for us but I'm sharing it and let you take it as you will. He said to not wait to have children. During the sealing we are commanded to multiply and replenish the earth, it doesn't specify to do it after you have a house or a degree or 'enough' money etc. He also said we'll know when to have more and how many. The Lord will let us know if we are faithful and WILLING to listen to what His plan is for us. We've taken that to heart. So for us, we now have six, and don't feel we are done. I often think it would be nice to know after X many we're done, but we've never had any impressions that way.

This is such a huge PERSONAL choice that I just have to laugh at all the 'explosive' emotions on both sides of the topic. For me, I'll do what the Lord wants ME to do, and let you do what the Lord wants YOU to do. I'm not going to judge what you do because that's not my job, but the Lord's. All I ask is to be given the same treatment.

Another thing I just want to throw out there, my SIL was in a religion class at BYU-I and the topic was marraige and having children etc. (again, it was a HOT discussion) One girl raised her hand and asked, "I'm getting married in 2 months but I'm not ready to have kids." The professor just said, "Then you're not ready to get married, because that is exactly what you're commanded to do when you are married."

I also agree with Nestle. "Rule #6-Don't take yourself to damn seriously." It takes a lot of the stress and strain away.

1/30/2006 06:29:00 PM  
Blogger Heather O. said...

I think that professor was way too harsh, and had absolutely no business saying that. When you are engaged, you are on the brink of a huge life change. I don't think it's a crime to say that you are not ready to make two huge life decisions at once, or even to just take one thing at a time, knowing full well that there will be a time for children after you've caught your breath.

Professors and bishops who think they can tell you what to do with your life really chap my hide.

1/30/2006 09:58:00 PM  
Blogger Goochie said...

After talking to the wiz on the phone today, I realized that I didn't get my point across very well in this post. My emotions were somewhat high when I wrote the post, so I thought I'd write a quick summary of what I inadequately stated.

I agree with all of you that the decision to have a child is up to the couple & the Lord. Really, it should be none of my business what the BIL does. What I did in waiting to have children isn't what I expect every one to do. I don't think my BIL should have to wait to have kids until he's graduated--afterall, he just started school. In fact, if some people waited as long as I did & were in my situation, they probably wouldn't leave their career to have kids. For me, it was right. I didn't need to hear the pressure from ward members & the people around me about it not being soon enough for them. No bishop or professor should state such things to any one.

The thing is, once the decision has been made to have children, I truly believe that steps need to be taken in order to make the decision work. The Lord will provide for us, but he won't spoon feed us. We have to do our part. I believe that we have try to figure out how we are going to make things work with the Lord's direction & come up with some sort of plan. The plan will probably change as the situations & trials in our life's change, but I believe he expects us to take responsibility in providing for our families & then he'll pick up the slack. Responsibility, my friends, is what my BIL & his wife lack.

1/30/2006 11:05:00 PM  
Blogger nestle said...

"The thing is, once the decision has been made to have children, I truly believe that steps need to be taken in order to make the decision work. The Lord will provide for us, but he won't spoon feed us. We have to do our part. I believe that we have try to figure out how we are going to make things work with the Lord's direction & come up with some sort of plan"

Thanks Gooch totally right on that one. Kev and I have made it work. I stay home with the kids working running an in home daycare (5/6 toddlers a day... highly not recommended for sanity but hey it works) in order to make our situation work. We know the Lord will bless us if we put forth the effort. We've been blessed with child after child that have come and moved on but whose income I've earned from watching those said children have met our needs almost to the dollar amount. He takes care of us when we do what He wants us to, and what that is, is between us and the Lord.

**Monsterrat is a ROCK!!!

1/31/2006 12:04:00 AM  
Blogger Tigersue said...

You know,
I had to wait at least a year to get pregnant because of a medical condition, that same one that could have kept me from having kids. That is why it is all between the couple and God as to the timing. A couple can be really ready to have children, but perhaps God knows more about when they should. In our case, I wasn't ready to even have my first when we did, we were moving, I was worried about insurance, all I could do was trust that somehow God would take care of us, when it was his plan for us to have that baby when we did, not our plan. He did it too, our first was actually the one baby that all I had to pay was a low 10.00 for a private room, everything else was covered by our insurance. Since then we have had deductibles, and copays up the ear for our other children. Yes you have to plan, and be wise, but that doesn't mean having to put it off. My husband was getting his master's with our first baby, sure it was hard, but that first couple of years in our marriage probably was some of our best. I agree with President, The Lord will let you know, and support you if you are doing his will for you, whether it is no children, one child, or 15 children, natural or adopted, if it is right and you know, and your husband knows it, the Lord will support you.

1/31/2006 01:48:00 PM  
Blogger Emily said...

they have to shovel the walkways (which they don’t do half of the time) instead of paying rent

Holy moley! I'd LOVE to shovel the walkways in lieu of rent! They don't know how lucky they are.

Oh. Does the lord bless those of us who got pregnant before marriage? =p (Just kidding. I'm not religious anyhow.)

You know, everyone does things their own way. Doing it your way worked for you. Screw everyone who says otherwise. My cousin and her husband only have one kid, and they plan to keep it that way (both are mormons, btw). People keep asking them when they're going to have another one, and when they answer, they get either blank stares or looks of contempt. DUDE! Life isn't about having as many babies as you possibly can. Ugh.

As for me, I'm done after #2. My family (and some mormon friends) seems to think it's a joke. And they can't believe I've gone back to school, and plan on going back to work in the next 2-3 years. Oye vey.

2/01/2006 12:39:00 PM  
Anonymous Karter M. said...

Great discussion. I'm glad most of the commenters have said that it is between you, your spouse, and the Lord. Judging is unhealthy and destructive. If everyone in the church committed to not judging their neighbor, the church (and members' happiness) would grow by leaps and bounds (IMO).
I always wanted to have kids early in life so I could be active with them, play with them, learn from them, and get them out of the house early enough to enjoy early retirement and missions with my wife.
From my personal experience, many people thought we were crazy for having 3 small kids during graduate school, but we had a ball. Many non-members (classmates and professors) commented on how happy our young family seemed and that led to questions about the church. Busy? Yes. Hectic? Yes. Happy? Definitely.

2/01/2006 04:06:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, as someone new to this whole blog thing I think I'd better quit while I'm ahead! I'm truly surpised by the "emotion" expressed here. But more than that the judgement on others from those asking not to be judged. I should have guessed....thus Mormon Mommy Wars!

2/01/2006 06:40:00 PM  
Blogger brneyedwahine said...

Where were you guys when I needed the sounding board on this topic!

My husband and I were married 15 years ago. He was 23 and I was 25. We moved to Utah just before I turned 26 (about three weeks after our wedding) and living in Utah (he was going to BYU) was like being on an alien planet at times. I landed a job in the medical industry and was amazed at how many young ladies were married and had children at the ripe age of 20. I soon learned that me,being 26, was "old" in Utah. I also realized marrying a younger man was weird too! Also not having a few children already was an anomaly of sorts! Sheesh....I was only married barely a month at the time! Also, little did they know that we were planning on adoption because I was told I probably could not have children due to congenital condition affecting my uterus and also due to missing a fallopian tube and ovary! I finally had to get up in F and T meeting to state this fact because people were so darn nosy about this! The other comments I got were, Wow.. your husband doesn't mind if you can't have kids...yes, he did not mind....he married me for me, not for my child bearing capablities!

Well, if you read my comments under anonymous (BA for Babydom, etc.) you will see that we did have baby in my husband's senior year at BYU. ( I found out I could get pregnant- I miscarried.. the and then went through infertility treatments to discover each pregnancy would be high risk and that I should do it now rather than later as I was young.......we had one who was a preemie and later two more.....)

By the world's standard, this was insane..since DH was not done with the rest of his schooling and just finished his Doctorate this year. As far as Mormondom is concerned, quite acceptable doing the getting married while one is not done with school and doing the multiple kid thing etc...We did it all, marriage, kids and school. Baby #1, end of BYU, Baby #2 another preemie came 5 1/2 Years later , end of first Master's, Baby #3 End of second Master's and with his Ph.D., well....we acquired a rabbit, instead! I must also say that having a 32, 34 and 29 week preemie is very difficult and we were very blessed that none of them have medical issues so for that alone we are very blessed!

All joking aside...having kids is a serious personal issue. This is between you and your husband and for the ever faithful, Heavenly Father. If you were to ask me 19 years ago, if I would be Mormon, marry a RM, do the marrying thing, BYU thing, having kids while in school thing, I would have thought you were insane. Not every situation works for everybody. There is no secret formula and comments will come out of the woodwork all the time...if it is not when you are you getting married, then it is when are you having kids. If you are married for awhile and choose to wait, you will get don't wait, or you will have difficulty later. Then, if it is not how many kids are you having, then it is, you are only having three, why are you stopping at that number and so forth. Everyone has an opinion in this matter, but ultimately, it is up to the couple involved. And I agree with Beanie-the Lord's plan is might just as well be different than the one we picture in ourown mind....

2/12/2006 08:49:00 PM  
Blogger Nicole Christensen said...

I got married when I was 23 years old. Heavenly Father has told us to not postpone having kids for anything! Kids come first before careers, traveling or even school. Heavenly Father will bless you if you decide to have kids. We got married in may, got pregnant in July. Our baby is 7 months old and we're talking about another. Our two year anniversary is not for as other 6 months.

11/10/2014 01:38:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think everyone needs to be a little less judgmental and a little more loving. We are all fighting the same battle, whether we had kids when we were 19-20 (like me) or waited till we were a bit older. Do I wish some days that I had waited till I got my teaching degree? Absolutely. It definitely would have been easier that way. I got my associates while raising two kids and am working on my bachelors as I sit here 7 months pregnant with our third. Sometimes I think I was just plain young when I got married and wanted children right away. But in reality, I wouldn't change my life. Though if I had done it the other way I'm sure I would be saying the same thing. Life tends to turn out how it was supposed to if you are doing your best. I have cousins that did wait to have kids till their thirties and...guess what...they are living in my grandparents basement. So age is not always a factor. My kids come first for me before anything in the world. While I can say that it would have been easier to wait, I also know in my heart that I never would have done that. I wanted my babies. And they have been well cared for, never wanting for anything (spoiled a little actually in some peoples opinion). My husband and I have had the ride of our lives providing and caring for the sweet little spirits. It has been very difficult at times, but we love our life and each other. We did have a house before we had our first. But we moved in to it two weeks before she was born. This house is not roomy, glamorous, or even up to date. But it is filled with love and my children love it here. Bring up the idea of moving and they completely lose it. We have created this little corner of our world where love and the gospel can thrive (even when money doesn't). One more piece of advice, I have family members who are very loving, but very judgmental of my husband and our relationship. They are wonderful people, but I have had to keep my distance in many ways because of their judgements. Love is always the answer, not judging. We are all here on this earth to prove our worth. No one is better or worse. So when you put how responsible and amazing you and your husband are and how immature your sister and BIL are...frankly it makes you look a little conceeded. (however you spell that...oops!)Learn to look at things through the eyes of the lord please. Before you drive someone close to you away.

Ok....now I'm done. How about some advice from a 25 year old mother of 3 college student!

2/25/2015 11:14:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm way late for this party but will comment anyways.
Although I understand where you come from (who knows, you might have changed perspective by now) you acme across as being more judgmental than concerned for them. I get it though, it is difficult to understand other people's decision when they are so different than ours.
I too am I a planner but sometimes life takes different turns. Almost nothing that I had planned happened. I even had some depression because of it when I finally realized that life isn't bad just because it is turning out the way you planned. We need to be flexible in life. There is an excellent talk on you youtube by Elder Ellis I think it's called "the courage to choose wisely". He is talking about things he had planned in his life that didn't happen, and those that happened that he hadn't planned for. You just take life as it comes, you plan for it but being flexible is crucial.
It sounds like your life has been a smooth ride. Lucky you.
My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years, I'm 33 and he's 34. We are in Europe where he is attending graduate school. We really want to start trying to have kids ASAP because we are not getting younger, and hopefully we are even able to conceive.
I wish I were more carefree and faithful like many of those who have commented here are. I never thought or planned to have a child being a poor college student. NEVER. I know a lot of people would look at our current situation and tell us to wait. We are tired of waiting. There are always reasons NOT to have a job (stable job, own a house, etc).
Most of our friends who have kids are being very supportive though.
The sad thing is that years ago I too would judge people that didn't have much and yet were having kids. It is hard to understand, it still is but now I'm eating my words haha, I will be one of these poor people procreating. Hopefully my husband will find work as soon as he graduates.
This whole experience has taught me many things, one of them being to be easy on people. We all came from different paths, life throws different things at us. We might do things differently but it doesn't mean other people are wrong. There is so much you can plan in life.

11/17/2015 07:47:00 AM  
Blogger The Wood Family said...

I think you should read this article
https://www.lds.org/ensign/1997/01/we-followed-the-prophets-counsel?lang=eng

8/10/2016 11:53:00 PM  

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