7/09/2005

Worst Post Ever

If Heather can admit she's addicted to Buffy, then I can admit something too:  I am addicted to countdown shows. I love the AFI countdown shows, best movie songs, best movie villains, best movie lines, etc.(By the way, the fact that 'My name is Inigo Montoya"...was not on that list REALLY hurts my feelings.  It's just inconceivable!).    But I also like Vh1's countdown of "Awesomely Bad" stuff.  (Yes, I watch Vh1, want to fight?)  So, in the spirit of the mood I happen to be in, having just watched "Blame it on the Rain" dubbed the most awesomely bad break up song ever, I thought I'd make up a short list of "worst movie lines ever."  (If you're offended that this isn't about motherhood, well...I don't know what to tell you.  Sorry?)   WORST MOVIE LINES EVER: (disclaimer ---->) FROM MOVIES I'VE ACTUALLY SEEN: 10.  From "Legally Blonde":  "It's called the 'Bend and Snap.'...  Come on ladies,  bennndd, and snap!"  Manages to be degrading, and unfunny, and painful, all at the same time. Watching Reese Witherspoon teach women how to 'snap' *shudder*   9.From "Only You"  :  "I know he would fight tigers for you."  What? Who's fighting tigers?  And why?  This is a silly/fun romantic comedy.  Tigers?  Where?  What?    8.  From "Somewhere in Time": "Is it you?"  Now, I actually like this movie - again, want to fight? -, but just the cheesy way Jane Seymour delivers that line when she first sees Christopher Reeve...but I don't know that any actress could have delivered it better.  What a strange thing to say to a total stranger - he could have just mugged her right then and there.  'Is it you?'  'Yep, it's me.  Just hand over your purse and nobody gets hurt.'   7. From "The World is Not Enough (James Bond)"  :  "I've always wanted to have Christmas in Turkey." (Christmas is the woman's name, for those of you that are intellectual and don't go to Bond films.  Also, awesomely bad casting, making Denise Richards a rocket scientist) Actually, I'd like to say here that we could make a list of horrible lines from James Bond movies alone.  Somehow the fact that horrible one liners and pornographic women's names are in a Bond film makes them acceptable.  Inconceivable!   6.From "Jerry Maguire" : "You had me at Hello."   Now, this one made AFI's list of best lines, but eeeewwwww!!! Who talks like that?  Your marriage is on the brink of disaster, your husband is clearly not the perfect man you've dreamed him up to be, and everything is solved with "you had me at hello?"  What's that about?  It's about bad writing.  Can't you just see the screen-writers?  'Somebody write something to make this sappy speech stop!'  'I know, I'll write a line that solves everything and will make Renee Zellweger famous.'  'Perfect! Just as long as it doesn't sound real.'   5.From Rodger's and Hammerstein's The King and I:  My name is Tuptim.  I already speak English.  Yes, with some accent you made up, thank you very much.  Also, she delivers some very cheesy lines throughout the movie.  This is one of my favorite movies of all time, (get the boxing gloves out) but the whole Tuptim thing is just....wrong.   4. From "Star Wars: Episode 3 - Revenge of the Sith"  : Anakin Skywalker: You are so... beautiful. Senator Amidala: It's only because I'm so in love. Anakin Skywalker: No, it's because I'm so in love with you.  I don't care who you are, what Oscars you've won - NOBODY can make writing like that palatable.  Don't writers ever listen to the way people talk?  This is definitely the strongest of the prequels, but come on, people!  You're so beautiful? Because I'm in love?  No, it's because she's Natalie Portman!  Of COURSE Natalie Portman's beautiful!  It's a given.   3. Pretty much the entire script of "Star Wars: Episode 2 -Attack of the Clones" But the worst line was when Obi-Wan said: "Why do I get the feeling you're going to be the death of me?" This isn't a Bond movie!  Cheesy one liners are not acceptable!  I don't even like them in Bond movies! I HATE this movie!  I can't quote you anything else directly because I just remember writhing in pain the entire time I was in the theater.  I wanted to pull my ears off and watch them bleed.  I wanted to pull an Ewok out of my butt and see it dance on the seat in front of me.  Anything that would MAKE.IT.STOP.  And I paid money to see it! AAAAAAAAAAA!   2.From Titanic :  "I'm King of the World!!!"  This one actually only half counts, because fortunately, I did not pay to see this movie (it's my thing about drowning) and turned it off halfway through, before all the people turned blue and died.  But I did get to see Leonardo make a fool of himself.  And this also counts because James Cameron made an even bigger fool of himself by shouting this line at the Oscars when he won for best director, and then he had nothing to say when it won best picture.  And yet, these people make far more money than I do.  *sigh*     1.From Star Wars:Episode III - Revenge of the Sith  : "Not if anything to say about it I have!"   The greatest Jedi Master ever!  And he can't form a sentence, or even think of a reasonable thing to say, even with his strange grammar?  When the bad guy's yelling at you about the end of the Jedi, just strike him down with the force! Don't use your wit! You have bad writers - didn't you hear Padme spouting nonsense earlier?   OK, well, thanks for reading this entire post.  I might have to make it about motherhood, so Heather won't kill me.  I guess the point is - teach your children discriminating taste.

7 Comments:

Blogger NFlanders said...

These are all great terrible lines.

There's an even worse line from that Bond movie, but this is a family blog. They should really be ashamed themselves, and not just for casting Denise Richards as a nuclear physicist.

7/09/2005 08:27:00 PM  
Blogger The Wiz said...

Yes, I know what line you are talking about, but I decided to choose a different one, for the same reason you stated.

7/09/2005 11:26:00 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

The best review I read about Star Wars III had this line, after quoting the line from Yoda... "Please break me an f*ing give." I was in stitches.

Sorry. I know this is a family blog. Still, it was funny.

Then there's all those lines that are supposed to be bad. My family would sit around quoting The Last Starfighter (anyone remember that one?) because it was so bad. Or the original Star Wars (there are so many to choose from).

George Lucas has some good ideas, but he really should have paid other people to write the scripts.

7/10/2005 04:02:00 PM  
Blogger Heather P. said...

This is my most unfavorite line from Episode II:
"I'm not afraid to die. I've been dying a little each day ever since you came back into my life." *gag*

7/10/2005 05:34:00 PM  
Blogger annegb said...

I love to watch the decorating shows on home and garden. Which has nothing to do with bad lines, but...

7/10/2005 07:22:00 PM  
Blogger cmhl said...

somewhere in time!!!! I forgot that I love that movie!!!

7/12/2005 06:53:00 PM  
Blogger Heather O. said...

Melissa-

George Lucas DID pay somebody else to write the script, or at least the studio did. The first Star Wars had the help of what they call "script doctors", uncredited people who fix an abominably bad scripts that show potential. He had almost nothing to do with the script for Empire Strikes Back. I don't know about the last one. But for the prequels, he had enough money and enough clout to tell everybody to stick it, I'm doing it my way. Hence, we have to listen to pretty much every character in every prequel say, "I've got a bad feeling about this."

7/12/2005 10:12:00 PM  

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