Demon Boy

I have a new definition of hell. Hell is traveling with a small child. I know, you were all spending MASS amounts of time wondering where the Wiz was, and most importantly, how the flight went. Well, the flight out was relatively uneventful. The gate agents were fabulous, and changed our seats to bulkhead, and seated nobody next to us, so we had the entire bulkhead to ourselves. This allowed room for garbage bags, treat bags, and for the toddler to wonder about between parents and siblings in relative ease. I don't know what, if any, bad deeds those gate agents have done in their lives, but this good karma made up for all of it. Probably. Depending on what bad deeds they could have committed. But I digress. He pooped three times on the plane, but that was about as bad as it got. I even thought "Wow, this isn't even good material for the blog. All the tricks: the new toys, the food, are working. I mean, it's not the greatest flight in the world, we're still flying with a toddler, but it could be so much worse." Then there was the flight home, which proved just how much worse it could be. We decided that for the flight home, we would bring his car seat on the plane. We thought he might fall asleep in it. However, this was a completely full flight,so our four year old had to be the lap child instead of the toddler, who shall henceforth be known as "Demon Boy." Demon Boy decided that shrieking in high pitched tones for a good three hours of the flight wouldn't be a problem. (You think I'm kidding! THREE HOURS!) He also decided that the people behind us had committed heinous crimes punishable by having keys flung at them. Repeatedly. (They gave him the keys back, not me. Silly people.) Demon Boy also soaked through his diaper, his shorts, and his car seat. And if were thinking that all of it the water he chose to pour down himself, well, you would be wrong. And plus, the shrieking. Demon Boy did fall asleep. 5 minutes before the captain turned on the seat belt sign indicating our descent. He woke up when we landed, and he wasn't happy about it. It was mostly because of the demon, I think. I took the soaked kid, changed his diaper, and let him run around the airport with a filthy shirt, barefoot, and without his pants on, because really, I wanted everyone to know what a white trash family we were. After we got off the flight, DH left us outside while he left to get the car out of long term parking. During the 10 minutes he was gone, the following occurred: Poopy diaper. OK, change him outside, we're already total white trash, no big deal. 6 yr. old declared her intention that she had to go potty, and she wasn't talking about later. It was now or she was joining the no pants brigade. (It may be slightly acceptable to have a 1 yr old without pants, but its a different story for 6 year old. This is ageism at its worst, if you ask me) So, we left all of our luggage sitting by the curb unattended, (and we had a TON of luggage) and traipsed across the street to the nearest potty. On the way, the 4 yr. old performs her famous "Trip and Cry" routine, which this time had the added twist of spilling strawberry shake and skinning her knee. 6 yr. old is insisting we don't have time to help her up. I am seriously trying hard not to swear loudly. Eventually, everybody makes it to the potty on time, I reassure my child that we have band aids in the car, and Demon Boy is pretty much enjoying playing with the black scum that has accumulated on the bottom of his feet. We get back to the luggage that nobody has stolen or taken away to be sniffed for bombs, and DH pulls up to the curb. Finally, we can head home. Well, the demon has been exorcised, my sweet child is back, everybody's bathed and sleeping, and it will be a long time before I travel again. It's good to be home.


Blogger annegb said...

Did you try childrens nyquil? I say again: medication. You could experiment with different ones before you go again, so you know how he will respond.

We always gave my daughter childrens nyquil (it's not like I gave her the whole bottle, one tablespoon did not make her an addict) and she slept the whole four hours.

It's not cruel.

6/20/2005 01:06:00 PM  
Blogger The Wiz said...

We tried Benadryl on the way out, just a little, but it made him wired. Believe me, by the end of the flight, we were begging for drugs. I think the rest of the plane was, too.

6/20/2005 01:14:00 PM  
Blogger Julie M. Smith said...

I so didn't want to hear this today. I'm flying on Weds. with the wee ones.

Say a prayer. Send an exorcist.

6/20/2005 01:21:00 PM  
Anonymous Vanessa said...

My little traveling trajedy:

On the way home with my then 4-year-old daughter, we were outside of baggage claim, waiting for our ride to show up. Not 5 minutes before we were in the bathroom (I was about 7 months pregnant), and she swore she didn't need to use the toilet. Well, she peed on the sidewalk. Grrrr. Fortunately I had a whole suitcase of dirty clothes to change her into!

6/20/2005 03:56:00 PM  
Blogger Lisa M. said...

Welcome home. With the exception of the plane travel, did you have a good trip?

6/20/2005 10:37:00 PM  
Blogger The Wiz said...

I had a great trip, thanks for asking. And the plane ride out really was fine. It was just coming home.

6/20/2005 11:38:00 PM  
Blogger annegb said...

I took my five year old on a trip to San Francisco with me (the one who's 19 now and getting on my nerves). We had the matching care bear suitcases, one was full of food, fruit, juice, cheese and crackers. She did well, being older, but when we got to the base where I was to meet my son's commanding officer, she pooped her pants. That is the one and only time she did that since she was two years old. I could not believe it. And my period started. All our stuff was in the VIP car, being guarded by male Marines. You cannot imagine my chagrin.

We made it, somehow.

Then on the way home, they canceled our flight, we got stuck in the airport for 5 hours. She was very sweet until a bunch of Japanese people crowded in front of us. Then she had a meltdown, she knew unfair when she saw unfair. Luckily I had the food.

When we got to Vegas, she took her suitcases, and left. Here I was at the gate, no child, a pile of my own luggage, and she was gone. She had had it. I left everything and ran down the concourse, found her maybe a quarter mile down, determinedly stomping, pulling her suitcases, people were giving her amused curious glances, this tiny girl heading out. I have no clue where she thought she was going, just out of there.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could beam where we were going? Oh, no nyquil on that trip. It was supposed to be quick.

6/21/2005 03:28:00 PM  
Blogger The Wiz said...

I am all for beaming places. Plus, I think those replicators would be great. No cooking skills required. Just state the food you need, specify temperature, and you're done!

6/21/2005 04:52:00 PM  
Blogger Kristen J said...

Too funny, I laughed out loud on this one. Since my children are all very similar in age I could relate.

I'm so glad you've given me a name for the "trip and cry routine" my girls do that constantly and now I have a name for it.

Oh yeah, for sure test the cold medicine before you go. I gave my son benedryl for the first time right before a flight and it just made him crabby and wired. I think he kicked the seat in front of him the entire 2.5 hours of the flight.

6/22/2005 01:37:00 AM  
Anonymous heather h said...

Oh my gosh I laughed so hard! Ha Ha!! I am so glad that I am not alone in this. I had a rather unpleasent flight with my then 18mo old that ended with me in tears a few years back!

I just returned Monday after a flight with my shreiking 5 mo. old.

6/22/2005 09:48:00 PM  

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