Symptoms of Mommy-itis

Mommy-itis is a condition that strikes the caregivers of small children. You can recognize sufferers from their frazzled expressions and their tendency to refer to themselves in the third person, but since these attribtutes also apply to simple-minded villains from B movies ("Billy doesn't like that. Billy getting angry!"), Mommy decided...er, that is, I decided to post a helpful diagnostic checklist. (I'm sure there are much funnier versions of this list out there, but all these things are actually true of me, pathetic as that may be. I figure it's as good an introduction to me as anything :-) You may have Mommy-itis if... 1. You have ever found green beans in your shoe. 2. You have been up since 5 a.m. but are still in your bathrobe at 10:30. 3. You know the lyrics to all the songs on Sandra Boynton's Philadelphia Chickens but cannot name a single current top-10 pop star. 4. You may leave the house without your wallet, keys, or address of where you're going, but never without a pacifier. 5. When you talk on the phone, fewer than 2/3 of your sentences are addressed to the person on the other end of the line, and the rest all start with "Don't." 6. You say "Look! A dog!" with enthusiasm usually reserved for sightings of Bigfoot. 7. You have ever perkily exclaimed "Look! Cows!" only to realize you are alone in the car. 8. Not only do you narrate your daily activities, you turn them into a random-melody oratorio: "Now, I'm MAAAAA-king DI-I-I-ner, chopping ON-ions, chopping, chopping, chopping, cho-ha-ha-ha-pping on-i-ONS! Tra-la-la!" 9. You have ever literally cried over spilled milk. (Spilled breast milk you had spent the last 20 excruciating minutes pumping, that is.) 10. Your idea of a sexy come-on line is "Hey, they're both asleep and we're both awake!" If you experience three or more of these symptoms, you definitely need help...but you will probably not get it.


Blogger The Wiz said...

Hi, Julie!

Welcome to the blog! Loved your post. I have decided I too have a serious case of Mommy-itis, mainly because I found myself not five minutes ago instructing my kids to jump on the couch in order to bring up the stuff that was buried inside it. (found 2 rings and a calculator, BTW)

Also, I have had arguments about which Looney Toons are better, the original or the baby time travel versions of them.

4/06/2005 08:05:00 PM  
Blogger Morgan said...

lol, cool post. I can't really empathize, but I can admire the Erma Bombeck-esque humor. =D

4/06/2005 08:13:00 PM  
Blogger the special one said...

How about:
For lunch today you had a half eaten pb&j sandwich, half empty glass of milk with floaters and some graham crackers, and it tasted good.
Or, you wake up in bed with the baby who you are nursing and you aren’t sure how or when it got there.
Or is that just a sign that you are a mother suffering from complete exhaustion.

4/06/2005 08:59:00 PM  
Blogger TftCarrie said...

Here's one:

You lug around a bag the size of your oldest child in which you carry everything except for the kitchen sink...and a pen. But you do have a full color range of crayons.

4/06/2005 09:42:00 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

Or, dinner conversations is consists entirely of "sit down" "eat your vegetables" "keep your feet to yourself" and "get off the table, THIS INSTANT"

Or, you can name every Disney character (and plot) in every Disney movie but you can't remember the last adult movie you saw.

4/06/2005 09:56:00 PM  
Blogger Heather O. said...

Or you leave for a violin recital WITHOUT YOUR VIOLIN! (This actually did happen to a violin playing mommy friend of mine.)

Or it's been years since you've worn a shirt that wasn't schmeared with snot or peanutbutter by the end of the day.

4/06/2005 11:11:00 PM  
Blogger kris said...

These were funny! One favourite from my own life is a variation of the dog/cow stories. I was driving somewhere (without kids) with a friend (who did not have children), when all of a sudden I burst out, "LOOK, A FIRETRUCK!". I'm sure she thought I was insane. :)

4/07/2005 12:33:00 AM  
Anonymous JKS said...

Oh my gosh. It is way scary to wake up and see the baby lying next to you. How did it get here????? No clue.

4/07/2005 12:41:00 AM  
Anonymous Mary said...

When you find yourself saying, "Oh! Good poops! It's a big one! Good girl!"

4/07/2005 10:14:00 AM  
Blogger The Wiz said...

When your husband has long since stopped giving you flowers, but your kitchen is decorated with several cups full of water with dandelions floating on top. Often dead dandelions.

4/07/2005 02:27:00 PM  
Anonymous JKS said...

Ah, my kids are always so sweet. And they have picked hundreds of dandelions for me over the years. Those yellow flowers really stain though don't they?
Just yesterday my daughter gave me a really huge chunk off the rhondedendrom bush. I so wasn't thrilled. But she was so sweet doing it.

4/07/2005 04:20:00 PM  
Blogger Ana said...

Awesome ....

How about legos in the purse? Is that a symptom? I've noticed since my boys both became "ages 3 and up" that there are now legos everywhere. We recently moved and on the day I cleaned the old house, I had two overall pockets BULGING with legos.

I crashed the car three years ago while pointing out a train. Those were the days of acute Mommy-itis. It's getting better now.

4/11/2005 04:17:00 PM  
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