Recently I was asked to think about what hell would be like. Apart from the usual wailing and gnashing of teeth, I came up with the following: Hell is a place where you are forced to take family pictures all day with extremely small children. (Have you ever tried to do this? It's like herding cats! Oh, and hell is full of cats, too.) You never actually get a picture out of it. Hell is a place where you are 8 and 1/2 months pregnant all the time (The heat! Think of the heat!) but never have the baby. You are also forced to take family pictures while you are this pregnant. (You look great! Nobody will even notice your belly! Turn sideways, please.) During this family picture taking day, "Teletubbies" is playing constantly. The only food in hell is processed cheese. Hell is trying to explain to your boss why she is an idiot, while still being diplomatic and managing to keep your job. Hell is a bikini wax. Hell is realizing you actually paid for the privilege of sitting through "Star Wars Episode 2:Attack of the Clones" --aka Worst Movie Ever Hell is holding a one year old while he gets vaccinated. The Millennium better come soon, that's all I have to say.


Blogger Heather O. said...

I think hell's mneu should include Batman fruit-snacks and goldfish for eternity.

4/07/2005 03:12:00 PM  
Anonymous Mary said...

Hahaha! I like the baby pictures, boss and Star Wars II comments. So true!

Hell would also include your husband sleeping through all 6 of your baby's night time wake-ups and then asking you blissfully rested the next morning, "how did she sleep last night?"

4/08/2005 11:12:00 AM  
Blogger Ana said...

And menstrual cramps, those are part of the whole hell deal, dontcha think?

Batman fruit snacks ... those are a staple! My kids call them "church treats" because I give fruit snacks only during sacrament meeting. Am I confusing them about church and hell and the menus thereof? ;o)

4/11/2005 05:05:00 PM  
Blogger Heather P. said...

First Peggy Fletcher Stack of the Salt Lake Tribune quotes By Common Consent, and now the exact same wording of some of this post appears (unattributed) in this Ann Cannon column at Deseret News. coincidence?

4/12/2005 03:06:00 AM  
Blogger The Wiz said...

Ah, yes, well, I have to come clean. When I say I was recently asked to think about hell, it was Ann Cannon's column that asked me to do it. I sent her an email with essentially the same wording as this post, but I thought it was a fun topic, so I posted it up here as well.

I knew it was a possibility that she would use some of my stuff, but I wasn't positive. Apparently she did. So does this mean I am a pulbished author? Hee hee

4/13/2005 04:10:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please, PLEASE for the love of God, will all of you wien yourselves off of the man made, lamb disguised seductiveness and pick up a Bible? Hell is a very serious place. In all love, the hour is short and you need to make sure you understand God's Word. Please. In all seriousness, just learn God's Will and forget all this counterfeit nonsense. You have been deceived by a wolf in meek, tender looking sheep's clothing telling you what your itching ears want to hear. Heed God's warning about this in Matthew, Luke, Peter and Mark. He makes it very clear. Mountain Meadows Massacre and Danites = bad fruits. There is no denying it. Much love to you all.

5/23/2015 01:04:00 AM  

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