3/10/2005

The Story to Top All Stories

OK, I've been reading about vomit, I linked over to the poop chronicles, and I have read some nastiness today. So what can I do, really, but add to the nastiness that already exists in cyberspace? So, my 3 year old (now 4) was on the potty, toiling away. She starts crying that she needs help wiping. My 5 year old rushes to her aid, becuase let's face it, she likes to feel superior in the potty department. I listen carefully, knowing that I will be up there in a few minutes. Well, the 3 year old's wail grows louder, and my oldest pops her head over the railing, saying she can't make it go away. So I go upstairs, and what do I find? (I know, you're thinking poop everywhere, diarrhea, something nasty. Well, it was nasty indeed, but I doubt you know what it was.) Drum roll, please........it was my daughter's rectum! Yes, she had pooped herself inside out, and now part of her large intestine was seeing the outside world, which is wrong on SO many levels!!!! I freak out (obviously), call her dad and tell him to come home from work, (he was working late) and then call my mother-in-law. My mother-in-law is a GI nurse, and I was truly grateful that she lived nearby, because I did not know what this was protruding from my daughter's anus. The cries were increasing by the second. ("Just get a big wipe, Mommy! I need a big wipe to make it go away!" "Well, hon, I think we might have to go to the hospital." "Do they have big wipes at the hospital?") Well, my mom-in-law showed up, said it was a prolapsed rectum, put some gloves on, and with a little lubricant, simply pushed it back up to where it should be. I was amazed and appalled, and instantly went on line to read all I could about prolapsed rectums. So it happens AGAIN about a month later -- I guess the intestine liked his (her?) short lived view of the outside world, and decides to take another trip. This time, I do the honors of sending it home. When it happens a third time a few days later, I call my mother-in-law again, she brings over some surgical lubricant, and we begin to carry latex gloves and lubricant around in our diaper bag, you know, just in case our daughter decided to poop herself inside out while in public. When I tried to give a pair of gloves to her preschool teacher, she declined, opting to keep my cell phone number instead. Hmmm.... So when I take her to the doctor, (my regular pediatrician had just moved, and I was assigned a new one) I swear by all that's holy, Niles Crane walks in to examine her. I did not know David Hyde Pierce was a pediatrician on the side, masquerading with a phony name, but apparently that's the case. He simply prescribes a mild laxative to get her cleaned out, and all is well. It's not COMMON, per se, but it's actually not that uncommon, either. (I was also applauded for not rushing her to the ER, because apparently ER doctors don't know what it is, and try to take tissue samples, and the longer you leave it out, the more intestine decides to make the trip, and it's not pretty. ) So, while I still have sympathy for people who's kids have diarrhea on brand new carpet, whose kids play Picasso with their poop (my youngest has now figured out how to remove a poopy diaper), I say you haven't truly lived as a mom until you've had the heart warming experience of trying to explain to a very scared looking preschool teacher how to send your child's rectum home.

2 Comments:

Blogger Amy Lynn said...

I was so frustrated when I read this hilarious blog the other night and the system wouldn't let me comment...this is so funny in a "not glad your daughter is experiencing this" but "so funny that just when you thought you'd seen it all you realize you haven't seen it all" kind of way! I thought I had seen most of the "dark" side of toddlerhood but you have me beat. I've never seen any of my children's large intestine.

3/12/2005 10:23:00 PM  
Blogger fMhLisa said...

Horrid! Perfectly beautifully Horrid.

Heather, dear, I love you.

3/13/2005 04:47:00 AM  

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